WARNING: This product contains rants

It's that time of year again. It's time for children and youngsters everywhere to be pressurised into dressing up into ill-advised costumes, and frog-marched to the front doors of strangers, to practice the quaint art of extortion.

I'm not sure who to feel more sorry for; the kids - half of whom look terrified when the scary man with the goatee and the funny accent answers the door - or us childless adults who are forced to either participate in this inconvenient and expensive ritual, or hide at the back of the house with the lights off.

I realise that this might just make me sound like some grumpy old man, but that's just fine with me.

So far in life, I've chosen not to have children. Part of that choice, is choosing not to have to participate in all the work and rigmarole involved in child-rearing. So, why is it that I should be expected to spend time and money, answering the front door 9,842,943 times in one evening, to dish out sugar-filled badness to these ungrateful little tax deductions, that I've never met before?

Actually, talking of tax deductions, there was one family's children, back in Littleton CO, who genuinely made me laugh with their (or their parents') humourous costumes. There were three of them, and one young lad was dressed in a dark suit, carrying a briefcase, with a badge on, saying "I.R.S. Agent". When I opened the door to them, he shouted, "This is an audit! Hand over the candy!"

But that family aside, the whole evening is just one big excercise in embarrassment.

The kids are embarrassed that they've been cajoled into dressing up and begging for 100% tooth-rotting junk by their parents, and I feel embarrassed that I have no sodding idea whatsoever what kids want in terms of candy. Still, at least we're all entertaining the parents.

These parents, whilst expecting the rest of us to join in with their asinine frivolities, will be the same people who are the first to use the "Do you have kids? No? Then how can you possibly understand" line of attack, to defend anything their progeny have done that pisses off us non-breeders. I mean, which is it people? You can't have it both ways!

I suppose that by now, some of you will be thinking I hate children. I don't. I hate bad parents.

You know the sort. They infest restaurants with themselves and their brood, and then totally fail to act, when junior decides to scream the place down. "Oh just ignore him. He just wants the attention."

Hello? Isn't that the fucking point of being a parent? Being attentive to your children's needs?

And the same goes for when they let the kids run rampage around the place. Of course they'll say, "Well, I need time to relax too". Fine. I understand that, but hire a goddamn babysitter next time, and leave the ankle-biters at home. Why should the rest of the restaurant suffer because you don't want to do your job properly?

Like I say, it's not the kids I hate.

I know a lot of kids, brought up by good people, who are well-behaved, and never annoying. It's not rocket science, it's just called, making a sodding effort.

And Another Thing

Whilst, I might not agree with some people and their religious beliefs, I think it's their right to hold those beliefs, if that's what does it for them

However, to paraphrase George Orwell, "some religions are more equal than others.". Or perhaps that should read, "Some religions are more bullshit than others."

I mean, pagans. Purrleease! Get a grip people. It's not like you had these beliefs handed down to you across the generations. I mean, most of the previous generations of pagans were burnt at the stake, in the name of Christianity! Which is odd, because I'm not sure I remember Jesus teaching that we should be that violent.

If that kind of pre-packaged religion-by-Ikea nonsense floats your boat, then fine, go for it, but don't expect me not to smirk. It just looks like people with too much time on their hands.

It all reminds me of that episode of Red Dwarf, where Kryten was due to die, and be replaced by a new robot. He was fine with it, because he knew he was going to Silicon Heaven. Lister spent ages trying to explain that there was no such thing as Silicon Heaven, and it was just a programming ploy to make him except a lifetime of selfless giving, followed by death.

Oh yeah, and stop claiming it's your holiday. First off, there are a whole bunch of Christian claims on the date too, and secondly... how can I put this? IT'S NOT A FUCKING HOLIDAY UNLESS YOU GET THE DAY OFF Put down the tree bark, and get a clue.

Update
It's taken me so damn long to write this, that it's now late on the 31st.

It was a damn cold evening with temperatures around 17 Fahrenheit. Consequently, the candy extortionists were a little scarce, with all but the most hardy of parents pushing their little tykes towards my door.

Consequently, I currently have about three times my own body weight in candy, lying around the front room. So if any of you need the sugar hit, come on over.

Oh and for the record, some of those kiddies where cute as buttons! - See? What the hell is happening to me? It must be all that sugar!

p.s. Pics of the dogs with cute Halloween headgear to follow.