Unsolicited phone calls are one of the banes of modern life. I used to get them in Britain, and I've been getting them since day one of living in the US.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say 'day one'. When I moved to the US, my then employer provided a rental apartment, whilst I looked for a house to buy. As soon as the phone was enabled, the calls started.

However, this is not going to be a piece of observational comedy about the bleedin' obvious. I'm also not going to go on about those lying crooks, known locally as AT&T, who slammed our long-distance service, not once, but twice, and presented us with a $200 bill for one call to Ireland.

So, I want to set out my policy on call handling at home.

1) No Caller ID means your call will be screened. If you're a friend or family, leave a message. Heck, if you're the bank, leave a message. If I'm there, I'll pick up.

2) If you are calling me, don't have your system ring me, and then put me on hold! That is just so fucking rude, I can't begin to express my annoyance.

My policy on this, is to hang up. It's the same deal if I inadvertently pick up and it's a telemarketer. Invariably they can't hear me for the first couple of seconds. Once I realise this, again, I hang up.

3) If you call me accidentally, because your fat little fingers are unable to dial the right number, have the decency to say something. Don't just hang up like the rude, ill-mannered asshole you are, say something. Anything. Preferably, "Oh I'm sorry, I have a wrong number." You'll be blown away by how nice I'll be about it - mainly because you've done the polite thing.

If, on the other hand, you just hang up without speaking, my policy is to hold the line open, and shout at you, whilst you desperately tap on the reciever, to try and get a fresh dial tone. My typical rant is, "Where I come from, it's polite to say you have a wrong number, not just hang up!"

4) If you can't work out how to pronounce either my name, or that of the other members of the household, I will terminate the call at the first opportunity.

5) If I decide to end the call, because it's a telemarketing call, it's over. Don't try to keep me on the phone a little longer in the hope that I'll forget I loathe you. I won't. I'll just loathe you more.

Also, don't ask me to explain why I'm not interested. I'm just not. I don't have to explain myself to you. You're an uninvited caller. You can just go to Hell.

I've had this last thing also happen to me on my doorstep, back in Britain. A representative of the local cable TV company, wouldn't accept that I wasn't interested, and wanted to know why. How dare he question my disinterest. He cold called me for fuck's sake! How much interest am I expected to have in that?

And another thing
Will the company who's brainless staff have typed in the wrong dial-up number for dialling into head office in the early evening, please remove my house's phone number from your call list. I've had evenings were I've been called 20 or 30 times by your computer.

I'd ring back and complain, but... there's no Caller ID.