from the Egos Have Landed Dept.

So tonight I watched Comedy Central's, Constest Searchlight.

This is a behind-the-scenes, fly-on-the-wall, car-crash of a show about the making of a show.

Basically, Denis Leary and a bunch of his toadies, have been asked to make a series, using writing and directing talent new to television, and the making of this series, is filmed and called "Contest Searchlight".

So the winner of the contest, gets to write and direct their show they've successfully pitched to Leary and his cronies.

Now, I missed the first epsiode of this documentary series, so tonight, I picked things up, with the winner being announced.

It was down to two people, a young guy named Mike, and a softly-spoken, but attractive young woman named Amber. Given the way Leary had been leering at young Amber, she was looking like a shoe-in for winning.

Amazingly, however, they chose Mike's idea, which was an improvised comedy about five friends sharing an apartment in New York City. Of course Mike has obviously been living under a bloody rock for the past 10 years, and has never heard of Friends.

Then, they added in elements from Amber's idea, a 'mock-reality' sit-com about Jesus. Yes folks, Jesus - as in "our Lord and Saviour".

So now they have a show, titled (and I'm not kidding here), "Jesus and The Gang", about a bunch of people sharing a New York Apartment, one of whom, is the Messiah.

The whole damn documentary, however, seemed to consist of middle-aged sexually-frustrated men, shouting at each other. The poor young lad who's idea was being turned into a TV show was almost forgotten, drowned out by the impotent egos roaring between the hawaiian shirts. The whole thing was starting to take on that 'special' air of credibility, normally only reserved for the Anna-Nicole Cellulite Show

And this, dear reader, is where things started to get on my nerves.

Incidents included, Colin Quinn turning up on set to film, after the lead role had gone to someone else, because they'd heard he wasn't available. He'd been rung by (the God awful lout and Executive Producer) Dennis Leary, who suggested he pop down to film. Of course, Denis wasn't there, as he'd fucked off to rehab about his drink problem.

Somehow, almost as if for the benefit of the viewing figures, a fist fight broke out between Colin and some mouthy little short-arse, who's name was instantly forgettable.

Then the (unintentional) comedy started.

They'd cast some guy who was apparently famous, although I've never heard of him, to play the role of Jesus. They were filming the opening titles, where all five roommates arrive at the property from different directions, one driving a car.

Unfortunately, the guy driving the car, couldn't drive. So much so, he didn't even know which was the accelerator, and which was the brake. This proved to be a problem, as on the first take, he ran into, and under the lead role guy, sending him cartwheeling over the bonnet*, and breaking his legs and ribs.

Apparently, the guy who was driving, didn't want to mention his lack of driving ability, in case he lost the job. I'm sure that makes everything alright with the poor bastard lying on the tarmac with his bones in pieces. Again, it's people's egos directing the action.

So, the young newbie producer, aware that he only has one day to film the opening sequence, and that more and more of his original idea is being dumbed-down by the hawaiian-shirt ego brigade, decides, while they're waiting for the ambulance to take the 'star' away, to film an alternative title sequence. In this, the star and some of the cast are having a picnic on the road outside their building, and the car-driving guy cycles up on a bicycle. What could go wrong here you ask?

They start shooting, and suddenly, from nowhere, a short, stocky, angry little Italian guy comes barrelling in, dragging the actor off the bike, and beating seven sorts of shit out of him.

Well, it seems that the prop guy screwed up. He'd given the actor the wrong bicycle. This one belonged to the Italian-American guy, who was in the middle of delivering pizzas with it.

Oh how we laughed.

I think what annoys me most about this so-called 'fly-on-the-wall' series, more than the egos, more than the hideous shirts, even more than the odious Denis Leary, is that there are so many 'amazing' problems, that it all looks incredibly contrived.

So, suffice to say, I shalln't be watching another episode. If this episode was this annoying, and it didn't have Denis Leary in it, I dread to think how irritating it'll be when he's back.

* hood