from the "Here's one I made earlier" Dept.

Every time I switch the TV on, it seems to be set on The Food Network. That's OK. They have some good shows, like The Naked Chef - with the talented (but annoying professional mockney* wanker) Jamie Oliver - and then they have Emeril.

Emeril Lagasse - for those who don't know - is a gruff-looking, dour but loud, celebrity chef, with a strong New Jersey accent, and eyebrows to match. He looks and sounds like he'd be more at home driving a cab than wowing viewers with his gastronomic creations.

I'm sure he's a talented chef, but just like Jamie Oliver, Emeril should just shut the fuck up, and make the dinner.

I guess he can't help that weird sloping mouth, that's lower on the right side than the left. Although it does look a bit freakish at times. But his presentation style is unnecessary.

It's the way he whips his audience into hysteria, over the slightest thing. Today, for example (and I swear I'm not making this up), he was talking about adding a dash of lime juice to something he was making. He then takes half a lime, and as he squeezes it into the pot, says "Cuz I like a lot of lime." in an almost furtive tone of voice. The audience then whooped, hollered, and applauded, because this guy had thoroughly squeezed the lime.

It's hard to describe what happened in words - a video clip would have been a lot simpler - but I was left thinking, "these morons will cheer at anything he does, especially if he punctuates it with his two catchphrases; 'Bam!' and 'let's kick it up another notch!' ". It doesn't seem to matter how simple a thing he's doing, they love hearing those catchphrases. It's probably all their tiny brains can cope with - hear the trigger word, whoop like idiots. I've seen him go, "Bam!" as he throws a pinch of salt into the pot for God's sake!

I'm waiting for the day when Emeril shows us how to make baked beans on toast**:

Emeril: Here's my can*** of beans... let's kick it up another notch, and open it!
(gets out his can opener, puts can on table, uses opener to open it)
Audience: Woo-hoo!
Emeril: Let's stick it in the pan... BAM!
(throws contents of the can into the pan, emphasizing the movement, with the Bam catchphrase)
Audience: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Emeril: OK, while the beans are heating... Let's get it on with making the toast!
Audience: Yay!
Emeril: Here's my bread. Into the toaster! BAM!
(throws bread into his toaster)
Audience: Woo-hoo!
(stirs his beans)
(bread pops out of toaster, he checks it, pushes it back into toaster)
(reaches for toaster dial)
Emeril: The bread isn't toasted enough. Let's kick this toaster up another notch!
(turns toaster dial up a notch)
Audience: Em-er-ill! Em-er-ill!
(bread pops up again, properly toasted)
(Emeril puts the toast on the plate)
Emeril: BAM! There's our toast.
(pours beans from pan onto the toast)
Emeril: BAM! There's our beans. Now let's kick it up another notch...
(sprinkles grated cheese on the beans)
Emeril: BAM!

At which point, the entire audience wets themselves with excitement.

Yeah, well worth a million bucks a year, or whatever they're paying him.

Give me the "Two Fat Ladies" show any day. I'll never forget Clarissa Dickson-Wright looking into the camera, and without a hint of a smile saying, in her very poshest of English accents, "You need to grease the pan well with butter. If you've seen Last Tango In Paris, you'll know what I'm talking about.". All without a single notch being kicked.

* short for mock cockney. It refers to someone who fakes a cockney accent, in order to appear more down-to-earth, trendy and less middle-class or wealthy. I realise this will make no sense to American readers, as here, you guys are comfortable with success. The British, on the other hand, just don't cope well with wealth and success. Such people are often derided. Go figure.
** American readers, baked beans in the UK are lighter beans in a sweet tomato sauce, and popular on toasted bread as a snack meal. They're not like the darker, heavier beans we have in the US.)
*** British readers, substitute the word 'tin' for 'can'. It's the same thing!