from the "I Can't Be Writing Top-Flight Humour Every Day Dept".

In my capacity as Denver's premier* flooring guy, I've been doing some work on the kitchen floor.

Previously, we'd tiled it with terracotta tiles. It looked really good. She Who Must Be Obeyed grouted it, but neither of us ever got round to putting the sealant down. Consequently, the tiles and grout are dirty, and it's not easy to get clean.

So, I'm changing the grout. See how fulfilling my life is, since getting made redundant?

Not only does this job sound boring, but it's very dirty, backbreaking work, and at the end of the day, runs the risk of not looking much better.

It involves drilling out the old grout, at least partly, to make enough of a trench for the new grout. This is super-tiring on the hands and knees, and the drill doesn't like it much either.

Mixing the grout, however, is probably the most hideous part. There are several warnings on the box, saying how the stuff inside could give you cancer, restrict breathing, and put some of your CDs in the wrong cases. In fact, the list of warnings is longer than the instructions for building your own nuclear power-station.

The dust that makes up the grout is such a fine powder, that it becomes airborne with the least provocation. Mask and goggles are essential, until the water is fully mixed in. Applying the grout is a breeze. It's wiping up the excess grout that's all over the tiles afterwards, that takes ages.

The final stage, is sealing the tiles and grout. This requires not one, not two, but three coats of sealant, and is done with a milky liquid that has everyone's favourite smell - Amonia. Well, at least Ben the Snauser, who's staying wth us this week, seems to like it. He's certainly taken every opportunity to stand on the bits of floor I've just painted sealant on!

*notice the 'i' in the middle? IT'S PRONOUNCED 'prem-e-err', NOT 'pre-meer' - you know who you are on that one.