Or
20,000 Leeks Under The Seafood

Looking through some old pictures I was reminded of the cooker/microwave combo device that used to be in my previous house in Littleton, Colorado.

It was the oldest and scariest-looking kitchen appliance I've ever seen. I've a feeling that the other appliances were scared of it too.

Nothing that works using radiation should remain in use when it gets to the age of that microwave. If it had been back in Britain, CND would have been camped outside, trying to get it decommissioned.

They reckon it was put in the house when it was built, in 1974, but I think it was a lot older than that. I suspect it may even have been from Middle Earth.

It was so old, that instead of a digital readout, to count down the cook time etc., it had numbers painted on revolving cylinders - like those old petrol pumps. It also had many dials, each with multiple indicator needles, and big, scary switches with faded markings. You were never quite sure whether you were setting it on "defrost", or "sterilise everything within 20 feet".

Having used it, and stood in front of it whilst it was on, I'm not entirely sure I'll still be able to have children.

Its appearance, all dials and switches, combined with its age, lead me to christen it, "The Jules Verne Microwave". When we were using it, I often used to dramatically shout the command, "Set the controls for 1874". There was always a moment of trepidation when pressing the big orange button, to activate it, in case I had miss-dialled the settings, and was going to suddenly find myself back in prehistoric times.

At least then, we could theorise that maybe the dinosaurs were killed off by eating too many microwaved pizzas. I can see the History Channel running a special, which has some archaeologist saying, "We can't be certain, but we believe the stegosaurus died from excessive Pepperoni".