I've mentioned British TV chef Jamie Oliver before.
Tonight, I watched him on Oliver's Twist, a show where he cooks a meal each week, and is joined by members of an 'interesting' profession at the end, who flounce into Jamie's flat, chit-chat, pretending to be interested in Jamie cooking in front of them, before scarfing down his efforts, all to the up-beat funky beats of Jamie's band, who provide the theme tune and backing music to the whole show.
Tonight, Jamie was cooking Indian food. By an amazing coincidence, I had just ordered a whole heap of Indian food from my favourite Indian restaurant.
As a keen cook, sometimes of Indian food, I was rapt with attention about what he was cooking.
Eventually, Jamie was joined by friend, and Bollywood actress, Honey, who was so annoying she actually made him seem quite bearable.
Apparently, I leave the country for five minutes, and Bollywood becomes the latest fashion in the UK, extending the British curry obsession to fashion and dancing.
The show ended with a bunch of other Bollywood actors, and some caucasian interlopers, guzzling Jamie's gastronomic creations down, and then indulging in some Bollywood-style dancing, which proved once-and-for-all that middle-class white guys shouldn't try to dance, unless they're:
a) trained dancers
b) gay
c) forced at gunpoint to show the world just how little rhythm they have.
As I may have said before, I generally loathe Mr Oliver and his over-used brand of lisping mockney wanker repartee, but after watching a few of his shows, I've come to admire his cooking abilities, if not his phoney accent.
I mean, I'm sorry, but he looks middle-class, he has a very middle-class name, his whole fucking lifestyle is middle-class, so WTF is it with this lisping mockney nonsense? And don't get me started about his use of "yeah?" as punctuation.
Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy, and certainly is talented, but here's the thing Jamie - as I'm not actually stood next to you, when you say, "Add a pinch of black pepper, yeah?" - I CAN'T FUCKING ANSWER YOU!! So, stop it. OK? Just stop it.
Posted by Max at February 20, 2003 11:48 PMYeah, the reason most men hate Jamie Oliver is because of jealousy. I'd love to spend my life pretending I'm something I'm not on national television. 'But,' UK guy (nice name) would probably bleat, 'He has sold all those books and is fabulously rich, and LOADS of girls fancy him, and I secretly think that if I emulate him I might get some poontang.' Err, no. 'Mein Kampf' was a bestselling book in the 1930s, but you don't see me envying Hitler. Idi Amin was hugely rich, but I don't wish I was a massive African dictator living in exile. Beria, the head of Stalin's secret police, reputedly shagged more than 3,000 women, but I'm not sure I'd like to be him either. So, err, I think those misconceptions have been effectively shoved up UK guy's anus. Don't get me wrong. JO is a very good cook indeed. But as a person, he is a lisping, mockney, bland, affected twat.
Posted by: Don't Call Me 'Guy' guy on July 17, 2003 04:37 AMOops, in my wrath I forgot to address one of UK guy's points. The whole point of being Mockney is that it IS an affectation. You don't have to be from a specific region to be Mockney, because it precisely means someone who is affecting to be a Cockney. If you were from Arbroath, but started saying 'Bosh, bosh, bosh' and 'cushty, sweet' etc, you would ne Mockney. Mockney is aspatial you flid. Go back to wanking over your Toploader albums.
Posted by: Don't Call Me 'Guy' guy on July 17, 2003 04:41 AMWell look at it this way, he's written four best selling books, made three TV series, he's famous all over the world, He owns a charity restaurant, he has an MBE, and he's worth over 15 million pounds. For a 'lisping, mockney, bland, affected twat' as you put it, that's pretty impressive. What have you achieved - a web blog!? pretty sad. Oh and by the way, I think Toploader are shite - hens why they were dropped by Sony about three months ago. Get yourself some lovely fresh opinions, just a pinch of personality, a good handful of success to take the bitterness away, and there you go - your very own life!
Posted by: Uk guy on July 28, 2003 06:20 PMErr, I'm assuming "UK guy" that you're talking to "Don't Call Me 'Guy' Guy" in this comment.
However, if you're not, what I've achieved is, a career in IT, followed by an independent career in radio broadcasting, professional writing, and web development. Oh plus 20 years of part-time stage acting, and more recently, professional voice-over work.
That said, whilst I may not have made millions, I still thing Jamie Oliver puts on the whole "lovely-jubbly" routine a bit. I never said he wasn't a good chef, but he could still make the great food he does, without acting like some pantomime Only Fools And Horses extra. That, I suspect, is also the opinion of this "Don't Call Me 'Guy' Guy" fellow. I think no-one denies his talent, or begrudges his success, they just wish he'd tone down the "Corr-blimey guv" factor.
Posted by: Max on July 28, 2003 11:39 PMErr, I think I have to agree with Don't Call Me 'Guy' Guy on this one...First off, if you read his blog, he ain't denying that J Oliver has culinary talent, just that his TV persona is a) fake and b) incredibly annoying. I myself had forgetten how irritating he is until I picked up a copy of the Naked Chef the other day and read comments like 'If you fancy yourself as a bit of a tiger', 'beautiful, lovely, sweet', 'pukka'. Sorry UK Guy, I don't know err, WHAT FUCKING PLANET you are from, but only undercover policemen say 'pukka'. That whole geezer act J Oliver has is totally contrived, and if you can't see that, then you evidently can't find your arse with both hands.
Furthermore, you totally miss Don't Call Me 'Guy' Guy's other point - that J Oliver's material success is not the reason why people slag him off. Cilla Black is a multi-millionaire, yet my contempt for her isn't fuelled by envy. Saddam Hussein owned a whole friggin country, but I don't envy him because of it. Jamie Oliver is contemptible, not because he is rich, but because he is patently fake.
Posted by: Werner Von Braun on August 14, 2003 12:01 AMI have been watching Jamie Oliver in Australia here for a bit now and he's very entertaining. I like his accent, it's very casual - even if he is 'faking' it (who cares?!) it sounds cute (if you must know). He has a zest for life and cooking. I thought it was brilliant when he made his recruits believe they were actually serving people in a restaurant when in fact there was no-one out there except the waiters themselves. I have come to understand that no matter who you are, no matter what good you do or have done on this earth, there will always be a group of individuals that will hate or dislike you for any reason they care to have, so I guess this means that debating will never end. Go Jamie! You are very charitable (charity is underrated in this world - it is far worth more than most people think). I'd just like to see an older bunch of people who have always wanted to learn how to cook gourmet style, I'd like to see them go through the recruitment process like the young ones - they'd be dedicated and most of all, more appreciative.
Posted by: Evans on October 6, 2003 06:04 AMCharitable? the mockney git must earn a ton from that shitty restaurant of his, and he treated the people on his show like rubbish anyway. Does he give the proceeds to oxfam? I think not.
I used to like Oliver, but eventually his mockney gobshite behaviour began to get on my nerves, also why does he have to say 'Literally' all the time? He cant use it in context, so why not just STFU?
God Save the Queen of Australia
If you would be unloved and forgotten, be reasonable.
