Yesterday, in a moment of abject stupidity, and in a sadly misguided attempt to save some money, I got my haircut at a cheap place.

Normally, since living in Denver, I've gotten my locks trimmed at Toni & Guy, a British-owned company, with highly-trained staff, and high prices to match.

For fuck-knows what reason, I went to a branch of a large down-market company, we'll subtley refer to as Shitty Clips. My gut feeling upon entering was, "Run away! This is a REALLY bad idea!", but then I thought, "Hey, if they were THAT bad, they'd not stay in business, right?".

Wrong.

Perhaps the first warning sign should have been that the woman who was going to cut my hair, looked like she was wearing a wig.

The second warning sign, was that none of the male staff looked or sounded camp enough to be good hairdressers. Oh, and don't bother even thinking of telling me I'm being homophobic or whatever, I'm not. I'm being hetrophobic!

I should have guessed things weren't going to go well, when instead of washing my hair, the member of staff concerned brought out a large spray can of water, and doused me with it.

She began the alleged haircut, by holding some clippers in one hand, and running them slackly over the back of my head, as if she was stirring a large cake mix, or washing someone's windshield.

The whole approach seemed to be more like one you'd take for washing your car than cutting a paying customer's hair.

Then, before I even had time to ask which prison, or branch of the military, she'd learned her trade in, it was over. I only just managed to stop myself from blurting out, "Is that it?"

I decided, given that she was the one still holding the sharp scissors, not to make a scene.

In the end, it cost a third of the price I pay at Toni & Guy, took a third of the time, and was about a third as good.

Lesson learned: As the years go by, the less hair I have, the more I should spend on keeping it going.