Things not to do at the supermarket checkout, when there's a line of people waiting behind you:

1. Sending The Clerk To Get Items You've Forgotten Here's the deal. You make a list (on paper, your PDA, your forearm, whatever), of the things you need. You then proceed around the store, getting the items listed. Then you go to the check-out.

If you are so stupid, that with a list in front of you, you fail to get all the items, only realising this at the check-out, you keep that fact to yourself, ditch your groceries in your car, and return to the store to get the items you forgot.

You do not waste both the staff and other customers' time, sending the poor minimum-wage earners to the four corners of the store, to find things for you. It's you that screwed up, not them, and not the people with the rising blood pressure, waiting in line behind you.

2. Pay By Cheque
Hello? It's 2003. Modern technology anyone? In the UK, almost no-one pays by cheque at the supermarket (or anywhere else for that matter). Why? Because using your direct debit card is the same as paying by cheque only, (brace yourself for this shock news), your fellow shoppers don't have to wait the several hours it takes you to write the damn thing out!

Even when the occasional Briton does pay by cheque, all they have to do is hand the cashier a blank cheque, and the till printer, prints it for them in about three seconds.

But here in the US it seems, vast swathes of people, of all generations, still insist on keeping us all waiting, whilst they do their impression of a medieval monk, hand inscribing each cheque, like it's some illuminated page of the word of God. I guess the pictures of bunnies and flowers these people have printed on their cheques, confuse them.

3. Order Cigarettes
Apart from the fact that it's a vile and disgusting habit, getting the poor, underpaid checkout clerk to traipse the entire length of the store, to the cigarette booth and back, during the 5pm rush, frankly shows a level of self-importance normally associated with Saddam Hussein.

I'm sorry lady, but you're no more special than the other weak-willed lung-cancer wannabes. At least they actually make the effort to queue up for their fixes. The cigarette booth is right next to the door by which you leave the store, so just how lazy are you, that you make some poor wretch do the leg-work to support your foul addiction?

4. Ignore Your Crying Child
This applies to anywhere in the known universe, not just supermarkets, but given how tiresome supermarket shopping can be, you should be especially vigilant at making your crying/screaming/screeching child STFU.

I think it's British supermarket chain ASDA who, in some of their larger stores, offer a free crêche, so that parents can shop unencumbered, and the kids can have fun whilst their folks line the pockets of the supermarket. I'm amazed we don't see that over here (at least not in CO).

Bizarrely, loud mobile phone conversations, are actually less annoying than they would normally be, when you're in a supermarket check-out line. Why? Probably because they help distract you from the God-awful tabloids and magazines there, and more importantly they help while away the hours whilst some nicotine-ridden tart has the entire staff search the store for things she's forgotten. Sadly, they are unable to find either her brain, or her manners.