The following memo does not apply to all Colorado wait staff. In fact it mainly applies to those badly-trained waitrons, who's corporate training, and eagerness to inflate their gratuity, causes them to become obnoxious.

Memo To Colorado's Waitrons

When I am dining in your restaurant, and you present me with the menu, Just hand me the menu, take the drinks order, and sod off, whilst my friends and I consider which dishes are least likely to come with a compulsory 3lbs of low-grade grated Cheddar on them.

I do not want to know, which are your favourite items on the menu. In the unlikely event that we're so overwhelmed by the culinary choices offered (in Colorado? Yeah, right.), we will ask you for suggestions.

You don't know me, or my food tastes, and in theory, all the dishes on the menu should be good, so why do you all go to such lengths to inform me of all your personal favourite dishes on the menu?

I'm not dining with you, I'm dining with friends, and you are bringing the food to our table.

Talking of which, if you decide to sit in a spare seat on our table, whilst taking the order, we will assume that you're joining the dinner party, and will be splitting the bill with us.

I'm a friendly guy really, but when you're waiting on me, you're not my buddy, you're providing a service, so if you want a tip, let's quit with the over-familiarity, and take the damn order.

And whilst we're here, let's get another thing straight. Meals come in courses. The idea is, diners have one course, and after they've finished, you clear the plates away, and see about bringing the next course. That's how it works.

You do not just sidle up to our table, whilst we're still eating our appetizers/starters (whatever), carrying our main courses, and foist them upon us. You might be in a hurry to get us out of there, so you can patronise and irritate fresh victims, but we are not. We are there to enjoy a meal with friends. This isn't about you. You're the paid help. We're the ones paying, so sod off and leave us be, until you spy that we're done with the first course.

Maybe it's just me being a European, or maybe it's just me wanting to avoid severe heartburn, but dinner - where possible - should be savoured, not charged through, like it's an athletic event. Dinner should take all evening, and should be a social occasion. It shouldn't be a challenge to see if diners can eat as fast as the food arrives.

In any event, if you paid more attention to your tables, and less to your need for a cigarette break, perhaps we patrons might feel a more like valued customers, and a bit less like an inconvenience to your lifestyle.

In the meantime, bring me a menu, a drink, and at the appropriate time, my main course.