On a recent domestic flight, flying back to Denver, the pilot came on the PA system and made the usual safety announcements. Obviously he was as bored reading it as regular passengers are bored hearing it. He started adding bits to the script. He started off subtly...

"Flight time will be approximately one hour, forty two minutes and sixty three seconds."

Then descended to the obvious...

"Should the pressure in the cabin drop, masks will fall down from the panel overhead. If you are travelling with a baby, a small child, or someone who acts like a small child, please adjust your mask before helping them."

"In the event that we have to land on water, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device. Put your arms through the loops, clutch it to your chest, and swim baby swim!"

"In preparation for take-off, please make sure that your seat-belt is fastened, your tray table stowed, and your seat-back returned to its full upright and most uncomfortable position."

Shortly before landing, he came on again, giving the standard end-of-flight speech, and ended with (in cod-Elvis style), "Thank you. Thank you very much.".

At the end of the flight, as he was about to switch off the Fasten Seat-belts sign, he announced, "On your mark... Get ready... Go!". Ping went the sign, as the usual mad dash to be the first off the plane ensued.

As over-quoted, and as bleedin' obvious as it is, Jerry Seinfeld was right when he asked, "Just what is it with these little bags of peanuts they give you on airplanes?". I'm still not certain of the actual reason for giving them out, I mean, they hardly constitute a meal. My current theory is that they are some kind of distraction, to wile away the time spent on the flight.

Having neatly trimmed fingernails, and thus no built-in cutting devices, it took me an inordinate amount of time to open the bag. This was prolonged because the bag they give you, is so small, adults have almost no hope of being able to hold it comfortably. For that matter, you'd need an electron microscope to be able to read the ingredients list.

Still, it passed some, and allowed me to stop thinking about the great galumping tosser in the seat behind me, who apparently was incapable of making any movement, without first grabbing the headrest of my seat, and yanking it towards him violently. He was also the sort of person, who has to repeatedly cross and uncross his legs, each time kicking the back of my seat. To his credit, he apologised the first couple of times. However, this then begs the question, why continue to do it?

This guy, however, was an angel compared to the mother and daughter team across the aisle. They arrived late, pulling behind them, enough "hand luggage" to exhaust a pack of huskies, and then proceeded to enlist the help of male passengers in getting these steamer truck sized cases into the overhead lockers.

When oh when are the male populace going to make a stand and say, "No! If you can't lift it up there yourself, then you shouldn't be claiming it as hand baggage."

I'm all in favour of helping those who are frail and/or disabled, but these two over-tanned, badly died blonde harpies deserved no sympathy. Especially, whilst they were holding up the remaining passengers trying to board, the mother exclaims of one of their cases, "It's that last inch, oh I just couldn't stop shopping!". My how we all had a good laugh about that.

I've written in the past about the rules of my airline, and I think the rule that most bears repeating is, "If you can't carry it around the airport, unaided, for an hour before the flight, then it's not hand luggage.". I think we could add to this, with a second clause, namely:

If it weighs more than you do, then it's not hand luggage, unless you're prepared to leave it in your seat, and ride in the overhead compartment yourself.

At the end of the day, it's all about selfishness. These dickheads, with their so-called hand luggage, block the aisles, whilst they wrestle with their gargantuan cases, taking up more than their fair share of locker-space, all because they think they're too important to wander over over to Baggage Claim at the end of the flight, and wait with us mere mortals considerate folk.