...is the name of the BBC drama I'm currently watching. It stars the excellent Timothy Spall, as the most repulsive travelling vacuum-cleaner salesman ever.

Memorable quote, "Rule Number Five: after the sale, get out like a spent knob."

I was out at Creek Shopping Centre this evening, when my phone rang. It was a call from one of the DJs.

She needs me to go down to the , and record a station testimonial. This is a kind of advert for the station, to be used during the next membership drive, in mid-May.

I've also said I'm available for any voice-over work they need doing.

So, tune your dial to 89.3FM next month. If you're outside the Denver area, go to the KUVO - website, and click on the "Tune In Now" link.

Don't touch that dial!

Last night I watched Training Day. It was a rental DVD from Blockbuster. This was the film of last year, that won Denzel Washington his Best Bloke Oscar.

In short, it's the story of a rookie cop, played by Ethan Hawke, who's just joined an elite squad of narcotics detectives, and the film follows his first day in the group. He spends the day with the leader of the group, played by Denzel. This is referred to as a 'training day' from which the movie gets its name.

At the start of the movie, you could be forgiven for thinking it's yet another "he's an unconventional cop on the edge, and he gets a new, straight-laced partner" movie. In fact, you' d be pretty much right. But the thing is, it's been a while since this kind of movie has hit the big screen, and it's been even longer since it's been done so well.

It was quite a way into the film, before I saw Denzel's oscar-winning performance. To start with he just plays the hard-nosed team-leader. As the story progresses, however, Denzel gets a chance to turn up the nut-case-ometer, and (without wanting to spoil things if you've not seen it) ends up shouting (to a crowd of his neighbours), "I'm bigger than King Kong". If this was a 'Carry-On' movie, you could guess the context of that quote, but as it's not, I won't give the game away.

Ethan Hawke, meanwhile, gives a great performance. His interpretation of the character, protrays him as a newbie, but nonetheless, not someone who's afraid to stand up for himself. He gets involved in quite a few punch-ups, and certainly holds his own against all manner of opponents.

Overall, the film - set in L.A. - portrays it's location, and the local population fairly true-to-life. This is probably because the guy who wrote it, David Ayer, grew up in the exact suburb (Ramparts) of L.A., in which the film is set. The language in the film, together with the violence, fully justify its 'R' rating, but shouldn't upset most adults (unless you're the sensitive, church-going type, or just easily shocked).

By the end of the film, I was all set to go record my own gansta rap record. I chatted with a friend, over ICQ, immediately afterwards, and she was quite surprised at my choice of language! I told her I was Mac Daddy Max, and was 'down wid ma hommies, MC Smiley Miles and Queen La Saoirse'.

That said, the only time I've been near the Ramparts, was at Windsor Castle, and LA for me, is Luton Airport. I guess I've a way to go before I ring Def Jam Records.

We've needed a new cooker, since giving up our (sodding expensive) brand new, stainless steel one, when we sold our house in Littleton.

Today, I was taken to a consignment store on Broadway. In the window, was a cooker/oven/stove/range (whatever you want to call it) the like of which I'd never seen in real life.

It was an early 1950's General Electric Cal-Rod Automatic, styled to look like a 50's Cadillac, and Cadillac pink in colour.

I've never been interested in getting antique kitchen furniture or appliances, but this one is in absolutely mint condition. If it weren't for the aged labels on the back, I wouldn't have believed it was genuine.

Last Friday, I spent some quality-time with my new best buddy Keith - top music bloke at my favourite independent record store, Twist & Shout.

Keith, who used to have his own radio show, back in California, has been helping me in my quest for CDs of a dubby/trip-hop/Portishead-like nature.

*a quote from Time Bandits, said, just as I started typing this piece.

We've chatted before, swapping musical opinions and so forth. This time, he surprised me by being a big John Peel fan, and also knowing of the works of Mark & Lard. Apparently, he listens to the lads via the Internet.

We talked as we wandered around the aisles, picking out possible buys. This meant that by the time I got to the CD players (T&S's try-before-you-buy system), I was holding five albums, and also picked up an album I'd pre-ordered.

Luckily, I made it out of the store with only three CDs. These were:

Baxter - Baxter
This was the album I'd pre-ordered. Of the three I bought, it is the darkest, but still not a patch on Portishead's Dummy. I'm still absorbing it, as it has such a wide range of sounds and styles, all in one album.

Hooverphonic - A New Stereophonic Sound Spectacular
This first album, by Dutch hipsters Hooverphonic, is possibly their best. I have their third (the latest) album, and that is far too smooth and glossy. This first outing, however, has much more depth and variance.

Waldeck - The Night Garden
These German chaps sound so like Massive Attack, for a short while, I thought I'd put the wrong CD in the stereo. They even use very similar sounds and vocal styles, and have two vocalists that match the two Massive Attack vocalists perfectly. Perhaps they should rename the band Der Massive Angriff.

Having said how much like Massive Attack they sound, I like this album a lot. It's well put together, with a nice dark edge to much of the music, and a joy to listen to.

I'll do a more thorough review of these albums, sometime, maybe.

*a quote from Time Bandits, said, just as I started typing this piece.

He's a Lion-tamer's worst
nightmare

After a series of linking clips of folk being arrested:
"To tame this animal, you need more than a whip and a chair."

Last night I spent about an hour, writing a piece for this blog, about some Cds I recently purchased. I did my usual footwork on your behalf, finding and embedding hyperlinks where-ever it's useful.

Stupidly, because I wasn't taking my time on this one, I wrote it directly into the Blogger applet, instead of doing it in Word or an HTML editor.

I hit Post, and what happens? The bastard web-app throws it all away, totally failing not only to save my work, but not allowing me to go back (in the browser) and regain the text.

Blogger staff, if you're reading this, sort it out! Not everyone uses beige Wintel boxes, you know. Test your programs on the Macintosh platform as well, in future!

I'll rewrite the lost work (offline) later.

As if by divine retribution for my 'mirror' mini-rant, I had the biggest nosebleed in recent history (at least for me) this evening. All I was doing was hugging my dog Miles, and telling him that everything was going to be OK.... eventually... when the floodgates opened.

It took over an hour to stop, and was followed by a smaller outburst later, in the other nostril! You'll be happy to read that I'm not going to be giving links to any pictures of this! Not that any exist.

Suffice to say, I'm now going to bed about two hours later than I'd planned on. It's been a crappy day, a lot of which I'm not prepared to blog about, and I just hope tomorrow gets its act together, and makes me smile.

If you're still reading my blog, be assured, right now my life is at its most boring and depressing. Yet I'm still able to attempt humour. Therefore, by a process of logical deduction, we can assume that "things can only get better".

Hang in there folks!

Good Evening America.
Pay close attention. I'm not going to repeat this.
It's pronounced 'Mi-rror', not Meer

Thank you for listening.

ps. I cite just about every car commercial on US television.

Earlier tonight, I attended my second whisky tasting in Denver. It was organised by the Johnnie Walker company. In fact, the evening was identical to the previous tasting I went to, only the location had changed.

Last time, it was conveniently held at the Denver Buffalo Company, manufacturers of custom-built buffaloes, to the gentry. Well, OK, maybe it's more of a buffalo-themed bar/restaurant with ideas above its station (I mean, just how posh can you be, eating burgers?). The point is, I could have walked home from there, if I hadn't already got a lift.

I used to get ideas above my station, but that was just because I used to be one of the more creative announcers for British Rail.

The venue this time, was located somewhere along the western spiral arm of a galaxy, far, far away. In fact, to get to it, we had to find the exact location of a wormhole in the space-time continuum, somewhere along Colfax Ave. It took us a few goes, up and down a mile-long stretch of Colfax, with no turning places, to work out where it was (hidden in another dimension, we later discovered).

I think I frightened my buddy Jerry, as I reverted to the British style of driving, in an effort not to be late. At one point, I put my SUV through a U-turn, faster and tighter than you could achieve on a bicycle, which left him (to quote that excellent game, "Sam & Max"), "clawing at the dashboard, and screaming like a cheerleader". This was all in an attempt to slingshot us through to the alternate universe, with a version of Colfax Ave that had the venue on it.

Eventually, my sharp-eyed companion spotted the 'alternative' Colfax Ave (I'm not kidding, there really were two versions of it - no wonder Mapquest got confused), and we then soon worked the location of the wormhole.

The building was a restored industrial building, that's now something to do with the Light Rail. It was a great venue for such an occasion. Much better than the Buffalo place.

We started with 'happy hour', where free (whisky-based) drinks and food were available. We met the presenter of the tasting - Gregor - the same Scottish lad as last time. In fact, he remembered me from the last tasting (last Autumn). This was because of my being English, and having been sat next to a Scotsman at the last tasting.

The tasting itself was fun. In short, there's a quick video, showing the history of the company, followed by a talk about the different distilleries, and their single malts, used to make Johnnie Walker Black Label. Gregor's style is light-hearted and easy-going, and he has a number of good jokes.

In front of each of us, five glasses of whisky. Not full shots/measures, just enough for about three sips of each. The first four are single malts, used to make Black Label, and the fifth is Black Label itself. As the talk reaches a particular distillery, we sample the relevant malt. I was left wondering why university lectures weren't more like this.

Afterwards, more free drinks and food. Gregor came over and chatted some more. On the way out, in return for handing in questionnaires, we each received a small bottle of Black Label as a leaving present. That didn't happen last time. Still, on the way back to reality, it made the jump to hyperspace seem worthwhile.

As I write, it's raining! I can't remember the last time it rained here, so I'm kinda excited.

Some American readers might be wondering why this is a big deal to me. Here's the thing; I grew up in Britain. It rains A HELL OF A LOT in Britain, because it's an island, with an oceanic weather system. So, as much as I love all the sun and dry weather in Colorado, when it rains for the first time in ages, it's a nice change.

Before I moved to the US, I used to get annoyed with my American friends and acquaintances who used to go on about how it was always raining in Britain. I'd say, "but we get sunny days too!".

Since moving to Colorado, I've come to realise just what good weather is. We get an average of 320 days a year of sun. Yes, it snows a lot in the winter, but as soon as that stops, the sun comes out and melts a lot of it for us.

So, I'm sat out on my porch, at half-past midnight, listening to the rain and the occasional thunder, and waiting for the next flash of lightning. That's one thing about Colorado rain. When it does eventually happen, it's usually accompanied by an impressive thunderstorm. Just as I thought it was all over, it's gone a bit torrential on us.

I've just let the dogs out onto the porch, and so they're both sat out here with me, watching the world go by, and the rain come down. They're delighted at the chance to hang out with 'Dad', outside the house. Being Golden Retrievers, they tend to need to go outside during the evening, to cool off. Normally, they're out on their own, so this makes a nice change.

I'm sat out here, typing away, and chatting with a friend via ICQ - the Instant Messaging software of choice for geeks - all thanks to 802.11b wireless networking. Whoever invented that needs to be canonised*. It's just the best bit of technology! If only for moments like this.

*I've used the British spelling of this, but the hyperlink to dictionary.com points to a page with the American spelling. It's that old 's' vs 'z' thing again. God bless the differences! It's what makes this world so interesting. The definition is the same, however.

It's been a while since I blogged. I'm sorry.

Well, I say it's been a while, but actually, I've been hard at work, working for you dear reader, to bring you a better blog experience!

Sound like Marketing bullshit? Well, it's not!

Despite my finally fixing the archive problem with Blogger, I'm evaluating blogging alternatives. I'm even looking at services you have to pay for, as blogging seems to be for me!

Currently, I'm trialling the blogging software and services at Radio Userland. Boy is it convoluted compared to Blogger! The basic posting is straightforward enough, but there are so many features and services to consider. I'm keen to use a system that allows me to blog offline, and automatically keeps a copy of everything locally.

You Too Can Bore People Rigid
If you're thinking of starting a blog, Blogger is a good place to start. It's free, and foolproof. Another option is Live Journal. This is free, if you can get an activation code from an existing member, or you can pay (which gets you a few more features). If you pay, then let the account lapse, it becomes a free account with (only slightly) reduced features.

Anyway, I'm still testing out Radio Userland's blogging service and software, and will evaluate other options as they arise.

*which is a massive exaggeration, but it was the best song title I could think of, without spending more than 30 seconds on it.

or

World's Wildest Police Haircuts - Part 2

He's a hairdresser's worst
nightmare

This is going to start sounding like I'm a fan of the bouffant law enforcer, and in a twisted, ironic, post-modern way, I kinda am.

If you read my article, back in January, about The World's Wildest Police Videos, you'll by now be familiar with the intrepid Sheriff John Bunnell (pronounced Buh-nell, not rhyming with funnel, like you'd expect).

A Rapper's Worst Nightmare
In the search for a picture of our glow-in-the-dark-toothed wonder, I came across the following, which makes for an ironic turn of events, considering Ice-T's imfamous Cop Killer track:

" said he recently recorded audio for an interactive computer game, playing the "good guy." Across the from him was the "bad guy"--sometimes police-critical rapper Iced T. Bunnell said over three days he grew to like the rapper, who even offered to donate his recording pay to 's favorite law enforcement charity-- Bunnell accepted."

I can see a musical future for Bunnell. Ice-T rapping away, and Mr B providing all his hackneyed catchphrases as sound-bite samples.

Ice-T: Aah yeah!
Mr B.: "It's a policeman's worst nightmare!"
drum break
Ice-T: Aah yeah! Break it down!
Mr B.: "No! Let's SHUT HIM DOWN!",

A Webmaster's Worst Nightmare
In an even scarier discovery, there's a Sheriff John Bunnell fan site! I'd be remiss if I didn't give you a link. Check out the teeth in the background image.

Meanwhile, appearing for the Prosecution, is this superb little rant against him.

A Script Editor's Worst Nightmare
You see, it's the script of the show that's captivating. Partly because of its sheer awfulness, with its horrendously corny phrasing, and blatant pro-police stance (no matter what totalitarian state they're showing film from), and partly because it's just plain (unintentionally) funny.

I don't know if he writes the scripts himself, or gets David Coleman* to write it, but he's blurted out some real gems, without a trace of irony.

For example, tonight's show featured footage of some cop stopping two guys in a pickup, the driver of which ended up running off on foot. Help was at hand however, in the form of pizza delivery guy in his car. He saw what was going on, turned his car around and did a hand-brake turn in front of the fleeing fugitive, causing him to run into the car.

Bunnell's comment, "Years of delivering pizzas have trained him to drive like this."

It was as if he was talking about pursuit trained police officers. What else does he think they train them for at Domino's? Hand-to-hand combat with the complimentary breadsticks? Perhaps they arm their delivery men with rigid, razor-edged spare pizzas, for decapitating suspects å la Oddjob of Bond Movie fame?

Oh well, back to reality I suppose... oh wait a minute... this kind of TV is reality! Gulp!

I think I'll just order a chinese.

Evenin' all. Mind how you go.

Footnote:
*David Coleman is a British sportscaster, famous for his unintentionally funny and surreal comments.

Back to Normal(?)

It looks like we're back to normal. I'm keeping the archive on a monthly basis for now.

OK, so having gone on and on about the archives not showing up, and my attempts to fix that, I publish the last post, and glance down the page, to see that the archives are now showing up. They're showing up, right back to my very first posting. The only difference is that it's now a monthly archive, instead of weekly, but that's because I changed that setting myself.

Now, I think I might try changing the blog template back to my usual one. Here's hoping that the archives still show up, although I've a feeling they will, because the two things don't seem to affect each other.

Tinker-hell

You may have noticed subtle, and not-so-subtle, changes in my blog.

The fact is, I'm trying (oh so depserately) to fix the missing archives problem.

I've followed the blogger.com instructions for fixing this problem, but it doesn't work! I've tried all manner of things to try to get the archives to come back, but no amount of tinkering has worked.

I'm also investigating other blog hosting sites, because I've emailed support at blogger.com THREE TIMES! - Are you listening Blogger staff? Probably not.

I'm also retrieving all the stuff I've written, from the servers at blogger.com, so if and/or when I switch to another site, I'll be able to republish everything.

I'm looking at Pitas, and Radio Userland initially. The first is completely free, and preceeds Blogger. The second is free for 30 days, and is then $40 a year, but this includes a blogging software client, to allow offline writing, and this handles a lot of formatting in a WYSIWYG way. Blogger.com doesn't. If you see a link or some bold text, or italicised text in my blogger blog, that's because I'm hand-carving HTML formatting as I type.

I think, eventually, I'm going to end up getting my own domain hosted somewhere, and I'll have turnerzone.com redirected there. I'll get good quality offline blogging software, and have the blog on my own website.

Weekend Update

You were expecting Tina Fey, weren't you? Well, as far as hosts of SNL's Weekend Update section go, I might have the charm of Jimmy Fallon, but the looks are more on the level of Norm McDonald.

Anyroad, It's been a mostly good weekend. A lazy one, but then, so what? On Saturday, we spent ages thoroughly cleaning the house, before a couple of friends came over. It was to be their first visit - and all the way from Parker! I need impending visitors to inspire me to get some house cleaning done. It was an all-morning operation, and boy did the house look bigger on the inside afterwards! I even did that cliché of male handywork - I put a shelf up - in the kitchen.

OK, now this is getting WEIRD. Every 30 seconds or so, the Epson Smart Panel application, that supposedly helps me perform all sorts of functions with my scanner, keeps launching. I've been sat here at my Macintosh for a couple of hours, and suddenly, it's decided to start doing this. Go figure.

So, anyway, our friends arrived, together with their 9 month-old son, Harry. I'm not one to gush about babies, or kids, but he was a sweetie. I think his main cute features were that he:

1) Kept quiet, let us grown-ups have a good chat
2) Didn't freak out when our two large dogs decided they wanted to see what the tiny human smelt like.
3) Had a great smile.

Jeez, listen to me! I must be going soft, in my old age. There's even a picture of yours truly, with the lad.

Anyway, it was great to see our friends Neil and Kate again, after so long.

During the course of Saturday, SWMBO was struck down by severe hayfever and/or a cold. This took out the rest of the weekend for her. So Saturday night was a quiet one, and Sunday was a very lazy day indeed.

Sunday started with a late breakfast at The Denver Diner. It's a superb place for a breakfast, at any time. It's open 24-hours a day. The architecture, both inside and out, is pure 1950's American diner. Unlike some of those 'retro' diners though, this place looks this way, because they've never bothered to modernise it (thank God). There's no phoney theming in this place, and no hackneyed 50's rock 'n' roll complation tape backup music either.

The rest of the day was spent around the house and gardens. Either watching TV, playing my synth, surfing the web, playing with the dogs, or chatting to the neighbours (we have several really nice neighbours).

'Er indoors (to quote Arthur Daley) spent most of the day suffering from this hayfever/cold thing. Barely able to move, and not having a great time. For the evening meal, I was treated to take-away curry. I had a pretty hot one. It's still trying to burrow it's way out through my stomach lining, as I write.

ps. Still no response from Blogger.com about the missing archive links. I've e-mailed them twice now. If you guys are listening... just get back to me, even if the answer is, "we haven't a clue".