from the "Here's one I made earlier" Dept.

Every time I switch the TV on, it seems to be set on The Food Network. That's OK. They have some good shows, like The Naked Chef - with the talented (but annoying professional mockney* wanker) Jamie Oliver - and then they have Emeril.

Emeril Lagasse - for those who don't know - is a gruff-looking, dour but loud, celebrity chef, with a strong New Jersey accent, and eyebrows to match. He looks and sounds like he'd be more at home driving a cab than wowing viewers with his gastronomic creations.

I'm sure he's a talented chef, but just like Jamie Oliver, Emeril should just shut the fuck up, and make the dinner.

I guess he can't help that weird sloping mouth, that's lower on the right side than the left. Although it does look a bit freakish at times. But his presentation style is unnecessary.

It's the way he whips his audience into hysteria, over the slightest thing. Today, for example (and I swear I'm not making this up), he was talking about adding a dash of lime juice to something he was making. He then takes half a lime, and as he squeezes it into the pot, says "Cuz I like a lot of lime." in an almost furtive tone of voice. The audience then whooped, hollered, and applauded, because this guy had thoroughly squeezed the lime.

It's hard to describe what happened in words - a video clip would have been a lot simpler - but I was left thinking, "these morons will cheer at anything he does, especially if he punctuates it with his two catchphrases; 'Bam!' and 'let's kick it up another notch!' ". It doesn't seem to matter how simple a thing he's doing, they love hearing those catchphrases. It's probably all their tiny brains can cope with - hear the trigger word, whoop like idiots. I've seen him go, "Bam!" as he throws a pinch of salt into the pot for God's sake!

I'm waiting for the day when Emeril shows us how to make baked beans on toast**:

Emeril: Here's my can*** of beans... let's kick it up another notch, and open it!
(gets out his can opener, puts can on table, uses opener to open it)
Audience: Woo-hoo!
Emeril: Let's stick it in the pan... BAM!
(throws contents of the can into the pan, emphasizing the movement, with the Bam catchphrase)
Audience: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Emeril: OK, while the beans are heating... Let's get it on with making the toast!
Audience: Yay!
Emeril: Here's my bread. Into the toaster! BAM!
(throws bread into his toaster)
Audience: Woo-hoo!
(stirs his beans)
(bread pops out of toaster, he checks it, pushes it back into toaster)
(reaches for toaster dial)
Emeril: The bread isn't toasted enough. Let's kick this toaster up another notch!
(turns toaster dial up a notch)
Audience: Em-er-ill! Em-er-ill!
(bread pops up again, properly toasted)
(Emeril puts the toast on the plate)
Emeril: BAM! There's our toast.
(pours beans from pan onto the toast)
Emeril: BAM! There's our beans. Now let's kick it up another notch...
(sprinkles grated cheese on the beans)
Emeril: BAM!

At which point, the entire audience wets themselves with excitement.

Yeah, well worth a million bucks a year, or whatever they're paying him.

Give me the "Two Fat Ladies" show any day. I'll never forget Clarissa Dickson-Wright looking into the camera, and without a hint of a smile saying, in her very poshest of English accents, "You need to grease the pan well with butter. If you've seen Last Tango In Paris, you'll know what I'm talking about.". All without a single notch being kicked.

* short for mock cockney. It refers to someone who fakes a cockney accent, in order to appear more down-to-earth, trendy and less middle-class or wealthy. I realise this will make no sense to American readers, as here, you guys are comfortable with success. The British, on the other hand, just don't cope well with wealth and success. Such people are often derided. Go figure.
** American readers, baked beans in the UK are lighter beans in a sweet tomato sauce, and popular on toasted bread as a snack meal. They're not like the darker, heavier beans we have in the US.)
*** British readers, substitute the word 'tin' for 'can'. It's the same thing!

WARNING: This product contains rants.

I got an email from a guy who's a fellow Denver blogger. We've gotten to chatting via email, and his site, worldwiderant.com, is now linked in my links section on the right. The Englishman In Denver site is also linked from there. It's nice to make new contacts like that.

He has spoken of a Yahoo Group for Denver or at least Colorado bloggers. I'll look into this. Expect a link soon.

Worldwide rant is a collaborative effort, focusing on current events in the news. He also has a personal blog site, which has a superb comment on the season finale of '24', and the "but what about 9-11" whiners response to the series.

This reminded me of the weeks after Princess Di was assassinated.. Err.. "Died in a tragic freak accident, involving a small white car that was never traced".

The whole of the (British) nation freaked me out, with it's mass displays of upset. It was like some rogue Jerry Springer audience - such was the mass hysteria. TV and radio shows all stopped their regular schedule for far too long. I just remember one broadcaster - I think it was Mark Radcliffe - saying how we should try and move on, past this terrible event.

I understand there was some shock, and people were upset, but after the first day or two, and people were still freaking out, I started to think it was just the release of a lot of other issues they were bottling up, and that this extended grief for a complete stranger, was just a cover.

I kept wanting to say to people, "Did you know her? Was she a relative? A close friend? No? Then get the fuck over it!" Yes, it was tragic, but you it was a stranger.

I've loathed this deification of the Royal Family for years. I grew up with a Daily Mail reader in the house, and consequently ended up reading that dreadful Tory rag. Even in my teenage years, I felt almost physically sick, by the way that the British press, and some of the population, treated the Royals like they were gods. They're not. They're just human beings. Unelected and incredibly privelleged human beings, with wealth given to them by British taxpayers, but human beings nonetheless. Get the fuck over it Britain.

So, now I live in a republic - the USA, and when I move back to Europe, I'll be living in another republic - the Irish Republic. Perhaps it's all starting to fit together. I'm happier in a republic, and I loathe royal toadying. hmmmm.

And don't get me started on anti-european Britons. I had a gut full of that, when I went home for Christmas, with certain Daily Mail-reading factions.

Here endeth the rant.

Following that great American tradition of taking an original British TV programme, and re-making it with a US cast (see just about every 1970's US sitcom as an example*), The Learning Channel has made its own version of the BBC's Changing Rooms, called Trading Spaces

The differences in the show, are very indicative of the differences between Britain and America. For example, the UK version has a budget of £500 ($728) per room, whereas the US version has a budget of $1,000 (£686). With this kind of show, every extra Dollar or Pound can go a long way!

As you'd expect, the UK show has far more period houses, whilst the US features more modern properties.

I like both shows, but I think the British designers take more risks with their transformations (these, it should be noted, do not always work though!). Perhaps it's fear of lawsuits that hold back the Trading Spaces team, or perhaps there's only so much you can do with modern houses? I know the latter is true, from my owning a modern house in Littleton (anything post WW II is modern to me!).

The US show uses real wood, the UK one uses mostly MDF. This is obviously because wood is so much more expensive in the UK.

The US show has a cute female carpenter, but lacks the amusing conflict between Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen and carpenter Handy Andy.

All in all, it's good to see a British show being successfully remade in the US. Both shows are good entertainment.

*Three's Company = Man About The House
The Ropers = George & Mildred
All In the Family = Till Death Do Us Part
Reggie = The Rise And Fall Of Reginald Perrin
Dear John = Dear John

from the "Film Noir is the New Black" dept.

The Tuesday before last, I saw Chinatown at the Acoma Arts Center. The showing was part of a series of films from various decades of the 20th century.

It had the makings of a classic sketch about film buffs. It didn't disappoint.

While we waited for our friends, other filmgoers arrived, and went in. It was too warm for black turtleneck sweaters, but narrow black-framed glasses were still very much in evidence. (Yes, I used to have a pair, but crushed them with my bony arse, and now have Flexon 'memory metal' ones).

The centre is a former church hall, complete with a stage and two-level auditorium. Before going in, I feared that we might be sitting on stackable church hall seating for the two hours or so we were due to be there. Thankfully, they had cinema-style seating, however, they were so narrow, I think they were designed by United Airlines.

You know you're at a 'film festival', when they need someone to get up on stage and talk about the movie, before they show it.

I think the print of the film they were using was a original. It had all those scratches and lines on it, as it ran, and to start with, it was looking kinda dark. This later turned out to be the way that the film was shot.

Boy was it a great story! Directed by Roman Polanski, and starring Jack Nicholson at a time when he was still acting, and not just playing "Jack Nicholson" in every movie.

Set in LA in the 1930's, it was so reminiscent of a lot of Humphrey Bogart movies in it's story,directorial style and photography. It's no coincidence that John Huston" was acting in it. He directed a lot of Bogart's films of this genre.

The whole thing took it's sweet time getting going, but as I see it, that's just part of the Bogart film style that they were going for. In the end, it was a mighty fine film, with - as I've said - Nicholson actually acting instead of doing a Sean Connery, and playing himself. The ending was, shall we say, less than jolly.

Post-Match Punditry
After the film was over, our compare popped back up on stage, and announced that people could leave if they wanted, but if they stayed, we'd be discussing the film. This then, was where the Trendy Glasses Brigade went into overdrive. The group of people I was with stayed, so I got to experience the full "I know more about film than you do" contest that broke out amongst the buffs.

I had a good time, believe me, and I didn't mind a bit of discussion about the film, but some people were taking things a little too seriously.

Maybe it's just me, but I found the use of the word 'juxtaposition', when talking about 1930's L.A. architecture a bit much. We're not talking about top-flight Art Deco buildings, it was all relatively dull ranch houses, for God's sake! From what I could tell, everything was pretty much where I'd have expected it to be, and that ain't juxtapositioned!

Some unseen tosser* in the balcony, said that the use of a lot of frosted glass (in the internal office windows) was a metaphor for ice and/or cold water. I suggested, in a discussion about the discussion and how prentious some of the film buffs were being, that perhaps it was just possible ... hang on to your hats here kids... that it wasn't a metaphor for anything, and was just to give people some privacy in their office. I suggested that sometimes, a glass of water, is just a glass of water, and not a metaphor for the suffering of the heroine of the film.

*A derisory British term, with the same meaning as the term 'wanker' - go look it up, if you're not sure, I can't be arsed explaining.

Today I had my first go as Phone Supervisor at KUVO. I was supposed to work until 5.30, but ended up doing an extra hour, as the end of my shift was real busy.

I had four volunteer phone people working for me, so I retitled the role, "Volunteer Wrangler". There was a ton of paperwork, plus a lot of running about, into the etc, with pledge dedications.

Thing is, one of the guys answering the phone, was someone SWMBO and I had met in the downtown Denver Virgin Megastore a year or so ago. He'd engaged her in conversation about some classic movies, and then just got weirder and weirder and WEIRDER. I came over and rescued her, but this looney started following her around the store, at one point shouting "Stella!" (á la Streetcar Named Desire) and some other nonesense.

In short, this guy is a NUTTER!

...and not only did I have him working for me, but he wouldn't leave when his shift was over.

At first I wasn't sure it was the same guy, but after about half an hour or so, he unknowingly confirmed it to me. Thankfully, he didn't recognise me.

If you watch Friends, do you remember that guy who was temporarily Chandler's roommate, when Joey moved out (after getting a staring role in a soap)? That guy, who got pathologically angry and stressed out at almost anything, and was all-round a bit crazy? This guy was exactly like that.

For example, he kept a score of how many calls he'd taken, that weren't pledges of support, but were people wanting to talk to members of staff. Not only that, but he would shout out the running total to the whole office, after each of these calls. Fool that I am, I asked just what was the point of doing that. He said that it was either do that, or go... "burble burble burble" (making that finger waggling over lips movement)

"oooookaaaaaay", I thought.

The rest of my team were great guys and gals, and kept me busy with paperwork and questions. It was a busy afternoon, but you know what? It was just nice to be working again.

At one point, Rodney Franks (afternoon DJ) read out the list of volunteer names, and said, "...and they're being supervised by the One And Only, Max Turner!". I guess that's a good thing? Right?

I've just realised that I never blogged about my stint, last Friday, on the phones of Jazz 89 - KUVO. The reason I remembered was that I did another shift there this afternoon.

Last Friday, my shift started at 7am! Jeez, I never got to work that early at Galileo, and they were paying me! I did 7-11am, and had a fun time. The DJs that were there are a nice bunch, and I'm now regular enough that they remember me! At one point, I was in the , when Susan (the morning DJ) said to stay there and listen. Next thing I know, she's broadcasting one of the voice-overs I did! I've since heard from other volunteers that they keep hearing me doing various announcements about the membership drive, on-air, but I've not caught it myself. Still, all stroked what's left of my ego, after so long being unemployed.

Today, I did the afternoon shift, 3-7pm, and again, had fun, met new people (fellow volunteers), and a DJ I've not met before, who does the lunchtime show.

They've been on at me to do the Phone Supervisor job instead of just Phone Operator. I guess that's a promotion, but the pay is no better! So, I've signed up to be supervisor tomorrow (Thursday), 12.30-5.30pm. I'm also back on the phones the following morning, 7-11am :(

One caller today rang up, just to be abusive about the Station Director. I kept listening to his BS, because (and don't ask me why, I'm just a cheery little optimist at heart I guess), I was convinced he was going to say, "but I've decided to restart my membership", at the end of his rambling tirade. When he'd ranted enough, I cheerily asked how much money he'd like to give the station. He declined.

Another caller, was downtown, and when I mentioned that the payment methods included 'cash', she offered to bring the money around to the , and meet me. This cause no end of sniggering from my fellow volunteers. I told them that I was prepared to use my body, if it helped the station's donations. When she turned up, she was very nice, and ...errr... (strictly entré nous, dear reader) quite attractive. Being the perfect gentleman I am, or at least would like to be, I kept it strictly business.

Hmmmm... perhaps a career in radio might not be so bad? The pay might be crap, but look at the fringe benefits ;-)

I know there've been no updates for a while, but I've been working on two pieces, offline, and at least one is nearly done. Don't ask me how I haven't found the time. I suspect it's just that I've had a lot on my mind this week.

One thing I absolutely have to share with you, is an advert I've just seen on TV.

It seems that if US advertisers want to make something sound more sophisticated, they say it's European. One previous example, is Ferréro Roché - those cheapo chocolates sold by Woolworths in the UK, but marketed as "European sophistication" in the US. They even use that exact same wanky "ambassador's party" film sans the classic, "surely wizz zeez Roché you are spoiling uzz" quote. Well, this new advert has just topped the lot of them, with that subtle blend of naff product and unintentional humour.

It started off, going on about how Europeans all have bidets. It then offered American consumers, "all the benefits of your own bidet, without having to call a plumber.". Now that alone, should have been a warning of what was to come.

They were selling the Bidet Olé. No, really. I'm not kidding. It looked like one of those shower attachments that you hook over the ends of your bath taps (faucets), to give you a (bad) shower. Only, with Bidet Olé, you connect it directly to the fresh water supply feeding your toilet! You then sit on the loo, and blast your arse clean by hand. According to the advert, you control the power of the jets. Surprisingly, they don't warn you, not to operate this equipment whilst under the influence of alcohol.

Of course, some of you will be getting ahead of me here. If the thing is plumbed into the toilet's water supply, then you're only going to get a blast of icy cold water on and in your holiest of holies!

Whilst I've never owned a bidet (can you believe the advertisers were lying when they implied that all us Europeans have them?), I'm pretty certain they have two taps - hot and cold.

What was equally amusing was all the health claims, and alleged testimonials by satisfied customers. One of whom was honest enough to admit, "It's not only healthy, it's fun too!". Really? Even though the water's cold? Maybe I have too active an imagination.

My advice; if you're wanting European sophistication, unless you're an S&M enthusiast, stick with the Ferréro Roché. Just make sure you wipe properly afterwards*

*I'm talking about your mouth here - you filthy-minded fool!

OK, so some news this week. I've been recieving emails from a couple of companies, offering to help me immigrate to Canada.

So, I did the online assessments for both firms, and so far, one of them is assessing my application (I've had emails for more info from them), and the other has said that I certainly qualify for immigration to Canada.

Let's get this straight here. These guys are talking about me qualifying for permanent immigration to Canada, where I would have the same rights to work as Canadian citizens. None of this crap I've been going through with US immigration. Not only that, but even if I hired this company and paid all the fees, it's still way cheaper than any of the US immigration options (that would allow me to work in the US).

My other option, is to just get a job in Canada, and then apply for a work permit. I'm lead to believe that I would be able work anywhere with that. Even if I wasn't able to, it's still a heck of a lot easier to get than a US H1b visa.

Right now, I'm waiting for the offer from the other immigration company. I'm also investigating what I'd need to do for a work permit, and other possible options.

Canada is looking like quite a good option for me. Immigration is a lot easier than the US. Culturally, it's a mix of the US and the UK. I can drive my Mountaineer up there, so I don't have to sell it and buy a new vehicle (which is handy given my current unemployed status). Once I'm settled, I can visit Denver on weekends, plus there's a ton of flights from Toronto to London, which means visiting the 'old country' would be a lot cheaper than going from Denver.

Apparently, after three years of living in Canada, one can apply for Canadian citizenship. They allow dual-citizenship, so one wouldn't be required to give British/EU citizenship. Why do that you ask? Well, if I became a Canadian, I could then move back to the US, and easily get a visa to work here under NAFTA.

This isn't all something I'm definitely planning on doing, just possible future moves. If you knew what I've been through these past seven and a half months, what the utter lack of any positive feedback from my job applications feels like, what relying on someone else to pay the mortgage feels like, you'd know just how much having an option like the move to Canada means to me.

Before you say it, yes, I could move back to Europe, have my pick of 15 countries to live and work in, and no worries about immigration, but (and I can't easily explain this) I just want to stay this side of the Atlantic for now.

So there you are. that's all the news there is.

Except, that is, that << drum roll >> It's Raining! Boy do we need this rain!

OK, so I'm still here. I just haven't written much lately. I'm OK, I just seem to have either not had the time, and/or the inspiration.

Last night, Wednesday, I was at the s of Jazz 89 KUVO. I was there to record a testimonial for the station, to be used during this month's membership drive. I've mentioned this earlier this week, I know.

I was due at the s at 6.30pm. In my usual style I sat down in front of my Macintosh at 6pm, and started writing. What can I say? I work well under pressure. Or perhaps it's just that I need a gun held to my head, in order to get my arse into gear.

This is what I wrote (in about 4 minutes):

This is Jazz 89, KUVO

Please call 303-480-9272, or if you're outside the Denver area, call 1-800-584-5887 now, and show your support. Alternatively, if you’re online, surf to www.kuvo.org and click on the “Pledge Now” button.

I was met at the door, by DJ Rodney Franks, who was producing my recording. I met him the last time I was at the s. He's a really nice guy, who also lived in Britain for a while. We chatted a lot whilst he set up the tape.

I recorded my testimonial several times, because they need it to be under a minute, and what I wrote takes about 1.03 minutes to say without gabbling it. Eventually, it got it down to under a minute, without sounding like I was rushing it.

We talked about my 20 years of amateur theatre acting experience, and my public speaking. I said I'd be happy to do any voice-overs for the station, for free. He liked the idea, and ended up getting me to record about six or seven station announcements, for broadcast.

I really enjoyed doing this, and cheekily suggested that if he needed a sidekick on his show, I was available! More realistically, I said I'd be available for any (unpaid - this is public radio) work they needed doing both on and off air.

Later this month, tune your dial to 89.3 in the Denver area, 89.7 in Breckenridge, or 104.9 in Laramie. If you're out of those radio ranges, click here and then click on "Tune In Now". You might just hear my dulcet tones!

On Tuesday night, I went to the CD Relase Party, for Jazz 89's "Live At The Oasis - Volume 5".

It was held at Los Cabos II, a Peruvian/Chinese restaurant in downtown Denver.

Playing live, was the Ultraphonic Jazz Orchestra, plus a number of the artists who appear on the new CD.

The food was interesting. A short menu, but tasty. However, I don't think it'd be long before one could grow tired of such a small range of choices.

The only downer on the evening, was a wandering photographer, who was determined to take our picture, in exchange for a donation "for the children". He had no official 'charity worker' badge, and tried real hard to get us to give him money, in exchange for what was a very poor quality photo. We resisted, however, and later overheard him use the phrase, "help a brother out here", to another potential target. Why would he be saying this if he was genuinely working for a charity? He seemed to know the staff there, so he's probably a regular feature, not just there for the CD release party. I guess I'm saying, watch out if you dine there.

Music was provided by the Ultraphonic Jazz Orchestra, plus a number of the artists appearing on the CD.

from the "I Can't Be Writing Top-Flight Humour Every Day Dept".

In my capacity as Denver's premier* flooring guy, I've been doing some work on the kitchen floor.

Previously, we'd tiled it with terracotta tiles. It looked really good. She Who Must Be Obeyed grouted it, but neither of us ever got round to putting the sealant down. Consequently, the tiles and grout are dirty, and it's not easy to get clean.

So, I'm changing the grout. See how fulfilling my life is, since getting made redundant?

Not only does this job sound boring, but it's very dirty, backbreaking work, and at the end of the day, runs the risk of not looking much better.

It involves drilling out the old grout, at least partly, to make enough of a trench for the new grout. This is super-tiring on the hands and knees, and the drill doesn't like it much either.

Mixing the grout, however, is probably the most hideous part. There are several warnings on the box, saying how the stuff inside could give you cancer, restrict breathing, and put some of your CDs in the wrong cases. In fact, the list of warnings is longer than the instructions for building your own nuclear power-station.

The dust that makes up the grout is such a fine powder, that it becomes airborne with the least provocation. Mask and goggles are essential, until the water is fully mixed in. Applying the grout is a breeze. It's wiping up the excess grout that's all over the tiles afterwards, that takes ages.

The final stage, is sealing the tiles and grout. This requires not one, not two, but three coats of sealant, and is done with a milky liquid that has everyone's favourite smell - Amonia. Well, at least Ben the Snauser, who's staying wth us this week, seems to like it. He's certainly taken every opportunity to stand on the bits of floor I've just painted sealant on!

*notice the 'i' in the middle? IT'S PRONOUNCED 'prem-e-err', NOT 'pre-meer' - you know who you are on that one.