I've been putting together a new "Links" page for DMfM. It has a lot more sites linked than the current left-hand column on this main page.

In the "humour" section, I've included Dork Tower - one of my favourite geek-oriented cartoons.

The page isn't going to be available until I'm finished redesigning the site's main page, but if you own a cat, know a cat, or have watched enough Animal Planet, you'll appreciate this:

Click to enlarge

We all like to gripe now and again. I can certainly relate to that. However, when you're a wealthy upper middle-class young woman of Cherry Creek, and your biggest problem in life is how much your monthly car insurance payment is, or how you don't like to go to fast when skiing downhill, I'm not interested.

No, seriously, shut up.

Shut up! SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M NOT FUCKING INTERESTED.

Sorry, but I came to Güzel to relax and write, not to listen to your over-priveledged bleating.

You know, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I have some sign floating over my head that says something like, "Loud People with nothing of interest to say, please sit near me"

I say this because it seems to be becoming an epidemic. More and more, when I'm out and about with friends, be it for dinner, a drink, coffee or hiking in remote parts of the Himalayas, I always seem to end up with loud bore within earshot.

Those witty bastards amongst you, especially those of you who've met me, please, I implore you, resist the urge to go for lame-ass humour along the lines of, "are you sure you're not listening to yourself". No, really. You're not as funny as you think.

Last night, for example, I was out with a friend, for a couple of beers, some food, and then later, a coffee at Stella's. In the bar people were drinking, eating and laughing, and having a good time. No problem there, then.

The very moment we sat down, as if from nowhere a group of people resembling hearing-impaired retarded sea lions, emerged from behind a wall, and commenced the sort of loud bellowing interaction, you'd more usual associate with a visit to Billy Smart's than with a relaxing evening out.

After food and Guinness, we hied ourselves to Stella's for coffee. Stella's is such a good that even late into the evening, it's still packed to the gills.

Even whilst waiting to be served at the counter, some bug-eyed little lass was drowning out the sound system, with some story about contact lenses. I wouldn't have minded so much but she was telling this (lengthy) story to a barista, thus halving the rate at which those of us with an urgent need for caffeine, were being served.

We got our coffees, and headed to one of the back rooms. All was peaceful. A group of early twentysomethings were sat around the table next to us.

With about 0.00004 seconds of my (firm) butt touching down on my seat, they started up. The conversation revolved around their work as christian missionaries. You can imagine how enthralling that was. Worse yet, they had that kind of "team spirit" you'd normally come across in Amway or some other pyramid scheme.

The ringleader, a young lady with an even less interesting life that that of your average coffee mug, had the kind of piercing North Carolinian accent that, combined with the volume of her voice, could easily be used to remove paint.

Consequently, try as we might, there was no way of not listening in to her droning on about how much she missed Charleston. You can't begin to imagine how hard it was for me not to stand up and shout, "So why don't you fuck off back there and leave us in peace, you boring cow."

So, Ms Cherry Creek, after just one evening, with three assaults on my ears by people with unacceptably bad signal-to-noise ratios, you can imagine just much I want to hear about your skiing exploits, and your recent dental work.

Have the conversation, do. Just have it at a level where I (and the rest of the northern hemisphere) can't hear.

Better yet. Shut up.

If you're wondering why DMfM has been so quite this week, it's due in part to my iBook being out of commission. It's also due to my radio commitments.

Oh sure, I have two other computers I could be writing stuff on, but it's just not the same. Besides, I just haven't been in the right frame of mind. Oh, I can't explain easily. I'm an artiste dear boy! You just wouldn't understand! You can't just turn me on and off like a light switch you know!

I now have my iBook back from being repaired. It has had another new hard disk fitted. Apple hardware has always proved very reliable, but not so with the iBook hard disks it would seem. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong with it, but maybe I should stop using the laptop to kill cockroaches.

FYI fellow Denverites, if you're in Creek Mall with a wireless-enabled laptop or PDA, Apple's wireless network there has quite a range. I'd been using it in the store to load OS and application updates onto my freshly installed laptop.

I'm now sat in the public seating area, downstairs and around the corner from Apple, (outside Neiman Marcus), and am still getting a nearly full-strength signal.

Then again, Apple's decision to put a wireless card arial all around their laptop screens, probably gives me a better range than those Windows wireless cards with the stubby bit of plastic containing a tiny arial. I guess size does matter after all, and the longer 'it' is, the better the reception you get (insert Carry-On catchphrase here. I'm going for "ooerrr Matron").

Not only does the Apple Store's wireless LAN have good range, it has darn fine speed too. I was consistently getting 120KBps during downloads. Email me if you want the details for getting connected.

OK, enough of the geek news. After I've consumed enough Guinness this evening, I'll be setting up the DMfM portable facilities, and (ab)normal service will resume.

Actually, I have a couple of articles in mind, so don't touch that dial!

I forgot to mention earlier, that I'm doing the noon to 3pm show today, not tomorrow, as previously advertised.

It would seem that the boss had got confused, and told two of us that we were doing Wednesday's show. Luckily, I mentioned my schedule to Susan at the station and the error was spotted.

I'm writing this in the during the show - perhaps a measure of how relaxed, and used to doing radio I've become, or perhaps a measure of how I might be riding for an on-air fall :)

Tune in now at http://www.kuvo.org

Last Friday night, I hosted one of 's speciality shows, Rockin' In Rhythm. It's a Jazz-Blues crossover show, with a massive following, and is normally hosted by JC - "the senior citizen of the airwaves".

Given that I'm not really into Blues, I had my work cut out for me, finding what tracks to play, in 60 minutes or less, with a couple of Guinness' inside me. Actually, I think the Guinness helped more than hindered (I mean, two pints is barely getting started when you think about it).

I got there an hour before kick-off and raced around picking CDs and tracks from them, using the production to preview the music.

I've already had a request for my playlist from one DMfM listener (who's more in to Blues than Jazz), but there will be a slight delay on that due to technical problems, which should be resolved sometime tomorrow.

Artists I played included, Jimmy McGriff, Nina Simone, Boa & The Constrictors, Saffire - the Uppity Blues Women, Dr John, BB King, T and the MGs, Etta James and a whole lot more!

The Saffire track was intriguingly titled, "Two In The Bush Is Better Than One In The Hand" - the meaning of which, I suggested, my listeners could draw their own conclusions.

After the show, I hung out with Wendy Fopeano - who hosts the show after Rockin' In Rhythm. She's a jazz singer as well as a KUVO on-air host. At one point, we were visited by some (very bored) avant-garde Dutch jazz musicians.

They'd been changing planes in Denver, when the snowstorm hit. They'd since been stranded in a Best Western, near Denver's former airport - Stapleton, bored out of their gourds, with nothing to do

So, they used a local contact to arrange a (free) gig for Saturday - just for something to do, and came down to KUVO on Friday, to play live, and promote their concert.

Lacking any actual sound technicians, or indeed the proper kinds of microphones for live instruments, I ran about the , pointing the regular voice mics at their instruments, whilst they jammed, and Wendy did what engineering she could on the board.

All in all quite a fun time, that ended with their trombone player and I discussing The Eastern Eye Indian Restaurant, in my native Bath, in which he'd eaten whilst fair city.

from the Benevolent Dictatorship Dept.

When my totalitarian regime sweeps into power, there will be a lot of new laws passed.

Among them will be a new traffic offence called, "Failure To Get A Fucking Move On".

Motorists will be found guilty of it when they do any of the following:

1. Fail to notice that a traffic light, by which they're waiting, has turned green.
2. Miss their go at a four-way stop (US) or roundabout (UK)
3. Pull out of a side road, in front of another motorist, and not immediately accelerate to match the speed of the rest of the traffic on the major road.
4. Slow their vehicle to almost a complete stop, and/or take too long turning off a major road onto a minor one, causing other motorists behind them to have to brake and/or stop.
5. Slow their vehicle when approaching a junction with a green traffic light, where visibility is adequate.
6. Take too long changing lanes, leaving everyone behind them wondering just which lane the offender is actually in.

The punishment for this offence will involve them having to pay for special equipment to be fitted to their car. This equipment will be remotely activated by other drivers, and consist of a mechanised hand, which will dope-slap them across the back of the head, should they fail to get a fucking move on.

As promised, I've posted the pictures of this week's record-breaking snowstorm.

I've created a seperate page for them. I'll add this into the Images section, when I'm doing the redesign of the site, that I have planned.

For now, the page is available here.

Wanker.

If you live in the UK, you'll be aware of this man. If you don't, read all the linked stories on the right to find out more, about one of Britain's most odious and self-agrandising broadcasters.

One day, I'll write an entire essay on what an utter asshole this guy is, what a bully he is, abusing anyone who's worked for him, and how - to be frank - he should be put to death, very slowly, and as painfully as possible.

It would appear it's time for me to don the mask, cape and max-belt, before running to the max-poles and diving into the Maxmobile, to once again rescue the jazz-loving folks of Denver City.

Carlos just called me. Due to the snowy weather, JC - the "Senior Citizen Of The Airwaves" - can't make it to do her show, "Rockin' In Rhythm".

This is a speciality (or specialty, if you're American) show, playing Jazz-Blue crossover stuff, like Jimmy McGriff, Dr John and BB King.

So, tonight's drinking with Andy from World Wide Rant, and others, will have to be cut short, in order for me to get to the early, and pick out some tracks in an area of jazz with which I'm not overly familiar.

I know I'm not the only substitute person who could do the show, so I'm taking it as a bit of a nod to the boss' satisfaction with my broadcasting so far.

He's also asked me to do his own show on Wednesday - 12 noon until 3pm - again, another sign I'm trusted to be let loose on an unsuspecting public.

Tonight's show, for those of you who want to hear it, is on at 7pm - 9pm mountain standard time (2-4am UK time) for "MT - The British Citizen Of The Airwaves"

I both love and loathe BBC America.

Tonight, I'd had enough of their unending coverage of Operation Forget The Economy.

They have cancelled their regular programming, to cover the same war, that FIFTY OTHER CHANNELS ON MY TV are also covering, non-stop, until the US has shown the world, once more, that it is the planet's schoolyard bully with a heart.

So, I found the email form on their website, and sent the following message:

I have about 50 TV channels telling me about the war on Iraq.

Much as I'm interested in knowing about what's going on in the world, and staying informed about world events, I can only watch so much coverage in one go.

So my question is, given the VAST number of specialist news channels offering 24-hour coverage of the 'war', why the hell is BBC America cancelling all its shows, to show us yet more coverage?

Please, stop it.

While you're at it, please (for God's sake) stop that REALLY ANNOYING purple scrolling message, just before the end of a show, telling us what the next program is.

I've lost count of the number of times I've been watching something with a bit of tension in it, and then suddenly, as the final denouement is about to take place, the whole mood is completely broken by some inane message telling us that Graham Norton or Alan (sodding) Titchmarsh is going to be on next.

Again. Please. Stop it.

It's annoying. It's as annoying as that stupid, "You call them cookies, we call them hobnobs." line for your online shopping service. Note: WE (the British) call them biscuits, not hobnobs. Hobnobs is a brand name.

OK. I'm done. Thank you for listening. Now go turn "The Office" tape back on, and the purple scrolling message off. ;-)

See? I can refrain from using the F-word.

I came across this sequence of cute-but-gothic cartoons called Gashleycrumb Tinies

They're kind of creepy but cute.

Enjoy!

It was still snowing hard, as I left the house to try and drive to KUVO.

The drive was mostly OK, except for getting out of my driveway. There was about 3ft of snow either side of the drive and 19" of snow on the driveway that needed shovelling.

Then, because some complete fucktard had parked his Nissan POS right opposite my driveway, I had to do a sharp turn to avoid hitting him. This, grounded my truck on compacted snow.

You can imagine just how much I wanted to meet the guy.

I then spent 20 minutes digging it out, but no joy. Then I noticed that at the end of the block, some labourers were shovelling someone's path. True to the spirit of Colorado, they were more than happy to help me extricate my truck from the ice block underneath it, and the snow bank behind it.

This worked a treat. I was free from the ice in about a minute. As soon as I was in the middle of the road, I was fine. I drove up the minor roads to 6th Ave. They had about 18" of snow on their surface, and apart from slip-sliding over some of the higher snow, made it quickly onto 6th Avenue.

Sixth Avenue was quiet. Real quiet. Except, that is, for a fire engine blocking the entrance to a side road, where a large section of tree had broken off, and come crashing down over some parked cars, and the road below.

The other main roads were fine if a little slushy, however, as I turned off them, towards the station, we were back to 2ft of snow to push through. God bless all-wheel drive, is all I can say!

There was a skeleton crew at the station, namely Susan, who was doing the show before me, and was greatly relieved she didn't have to cover for me.

I won't drone on about my show. It was good, with some great music. I'm definitely getting the hang of doing a live radio show on my own.

One thing we do during shows is a thing called a, "flying break". This is where between two records, the host says a one-liner that identifies the station. Traditionally it's something like, "If it's Jazz, then it's .".

My friend (and fellow substitute on-air host) Eric recently came up with, "You're listening to , Denver's latest weapon in the war against crummy music.". This started me off, coming up with quirky one-liners.

Today's off-the-cuff selection included:

"The weather might be cold, but the jazz is hot, on "
"If it's jazz that ain't elevator music, then it's "
" reaches the parts that other radio stations, just can't reach."

This last one, is paraphrasing those old British TV adverts for Heineken beer.

OK, so it's not exactly Nöel Coward territory, but I don't have time to think these things through.

The drive home was pretty straightforward. When I got back to the house, guess what? Mr Nissan-In-The-Way had dug out his car from the now, and not fucking moved it! Unbelievable.

I'm thinking of ringing the Pentagon, and asking if they've got a spare Tomahawk missile they could send over to Creek, and remove that Japanese Weapon of Mass Annoyance.

By the way, if you're not in Denver, this snowstorm was the second worst ever. It was the biggest snowstorm since 1913 - some 90 years ago. The city of Denver had just under 30 inches of snow. Loveland (a town in the foothills) had 72 inches (yes, 6ft) of snow.

Pictures at 11.

It would appear that the Weather Guessers weren't lying

It started snowing around midnight, and by 8am this morning, there was a foot of snow in the city of Denver, and three feet in the towns near the foothills.

It's still snowing.

It's going to continue snowing until the end of tomorrow, by which time we should have had about three feet of snow in the city and 5-6ft of snow in the foothills.

Not only that, but the snow isn't the usual dry powdery stuff we get in Colorado, it's the wetter, sticky, icy kind we used to get (very rarely) in the UK.

As soon as my camera's batteries are recharged, I'll go out and take some pictures. The place is like a ghost town. Apparently this is the worst snowstorm in recent Coloradoan memory.

My solution? Drive my all-wheel drive truck to Zaidy's Jewish Deli, and partake of a sizeable breakfast, including waffles, maple syrup and bacon, then later, drive to Güzel, and guzzle hot, creamy latté, whilst watching all those ordinarily smug car-owners, slide about, wishing they had a truck, jeep or SUV.

The satellite TV hasn't worked since about 10pm last night, and even radio reception is patchy. God help me if the Internet connection dies!

I'm thinking of asking the lads at Güzel if they do overnight boarding for regular customers!

WARNING: This post is not entirely about the weather, and like its author, is prone to wandering about, and not necessarily getting to the point.

Denver's weather is "going off on one" again.

Today, a rare event weatherwise, it rained. People reading this in the UK either won't believe me, or will be sitting there grinding their teeth, when I say it hardly ever rains in Denver.

Typically, our rainy season is in September, every afternoon for about half an hour, around 4pm. Most of our moisture comes from snow. The snowy season can start as early as November, and finish as late as May, but it's usually March and April that are the snowiest months.

The snow started around midnight. According to the Denver area Weather Guessers, it's going to keep snowing for upto 48 hours. Apparently, even in the city, we'll be measuring the snowfall in feet rather than inches

It's times like this, when the best thing to do, is bang on a groovy CD, turn up the thermostat, and sit back and write.

Tomorrow morning, I fully expect the Maxmobile to be put the the test, should I decide to drive anywhere. It's equally likely, however, that I might just put my trusty boots on, and tramp through the snow, to Güzel, for Turkish coffee, chats with the folks there, and free wireless DSL.

Of course what I should be doing (apart from looking for a job - which I'll do from there anyway), is popping down to KUVO, and adding some more tunes to my burgeoning playlist spreadsheet.

In case you need reminding, I'm doing the 1-3pm show on Wednesday.

Of course, given the likelihood that it'll still be snowing on Wednesday, my weather report on the show could prove interesting.

Bleah.

Damn it! I've done it again! Left my mobile phone in my pocket, with the keypad unlocked, then leant on said phone and called a couple of random lucky friends. Remember, it's 2.30am whilst this is going on.

In a break from tradition, my phone didn't just dial Andy from WorldWide Rant, but rang Andy, and another friend, Paul.

Perhaps that needs to be my new motto: "Why annoy one person with technology, when you can do it to many"

Then again, perhaps you could say that about this site.

Bleah.

It's funny reading other people's blog-like sites. You come to realise that there are a good many people out there who are far more eloquent, witty and interesting in their writing than you'll ever be.

Then again, there's still the great phalanx of junior bloggers out there, who's entire site consists of musings upon what colour nail polish to wear to school that day. And the girls aren't much better either.

Bleah.

Oh, and in other news, my first (paid!) assignment as web-greasy-monkey for a couple of sites is done, and I have a cheque! I'm trying (desperately) not to let the wealth go to my head, and buy a whole pint of Guinness with the proceeds.

However, this could be the start of something big. Well, OK, the start of something medium-sized.

The person who put me in touch with the owner of the two websites, has other clients who may need similar services. Such services would be irregular, but on-going work. Who knows, maybe if I push it hard enough, my own little web-business might come out of it.

Or is that "so 1998"?

In a way, that's starting to become a dream of mine. A web-authoring business that I can take anywhere with me (ie. inside a laptop). It might not pay all the bills, but it might buy the odd pint now and again.

Bleah.

OK folks, I need feedback. You know my style. It's usually singular articles. This, meanwhile, has been a bit of a rambling mish-mash (which you'll be familiar with, if you've ever had a voicemail message from me).

Is this more fun? Should I stick with the old style? Mix it up? Shut up about it, and start wondering loudly about "that Bear's game"? Or just give up on reality altogether, and get a job as a Denver weatherman?

The following arrived in my inbox this morning, and I agree with it enough to it here.

It's a letter to Dubya from film-maker Michael Moore.

Let me preface this letter by saying that I'm not interested in hearing from anyone, telling me how Michael is so wrong. If you have an issue with Michael Moore, go tell him. Better yet, wake up, get a clue, and (just for once in your insular little lives) consider someone else's opinion:

Monday, March 17th, 2003

George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC

Dear Governor Bush:

So today is what you call "the moment of truth," the day that "France and the rest of world have to show their cards on the table." I'm glad to hear that this day has finally arrived. Because, I gotta tell ya, having survived 440 days of your lying and conniving, I wasn't sure if I could take much more. So I'm glad to hear that today is Truth Day, 'cause I got a few truths I would like to share with you:

1. There is virtually NO ONE in America (talk radio nutters and Fox News aside) who is gung-ho to go to war. Trust me on this one. Walk out of the White House and on to any street in America and try to find five people who are PASSIONATE about wanting to kill Iraqis. YOU WON'T FIND THEM! Why? 'Cause NO Iraqis have ever come here and killed any of us! No Iraqi has even threatened to do that. You see, this is how we average Americans think: If a certain so-and-so is not perceived as a threat to our lives, then, believe it or not, we don't want to kill him! Funny how that works!

2. The majority of Americans -- the ones who never elected you -- are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction. We know what the real issues are that affect our daily lives -- and none of them begin with I or end in Q. Here's what threatens us: two and a half million jobs lost since you took office, the stock market having become a cruel joke, no one knowing if their retirement funds are going to be there, gas now costs two dollars a gallon -- the list goes on and on. Bombing Iraq will not make any of this go away. Only you need to go away for things to improve.

3. As Bill Maher said last week, how bad do you have to suck to lose a popularity contest with Saddam Hussein? The whole world is against you, Mr. Bush. Count your fellow Americans among them.

4. The Pope has said this war is wrong, that it is a SIN. The Pope! But even worse, the Dixie Chicks have now come out against you! How bad does it have to get before you realize that you are an army of one on this war? Of course, this is a war you personally won't have to fight. Just like when you went AWOL while the poor were shipped to Vietnam in your place.

5. Of the 535 members of Congress, only ONE (Sen. Johnson of South Dakota) has an enlisted son or daughter in the armed forces! If you really want to stand up for America, please send your twin daughters over to Kuwait right now and let them don their chemical warfare suits. And let's see every member of Congress with a child of military age also sacrifice their kids for this war effort. What's that you say? You don't THINK so? Well, hey, guess what -- we don't think so either!

6. Finally, we love France. Yes, they have pulled some royal screw-ups. Yes, some of them can be pretty damn annoying. But have you forgotten we wouldn't even have this country known as America if it weren't for the French? That it was their help in the Revolutionary War that won it for us? That it was France who gave us our Statue of Liberty, a Frenchman who built the Chevrolet, and a pair of French brothers who invented the movies? And now they are doing what only a good friend can do -- tell you the truth about yourself, straight, no b.s. Quit pissing on the French and thank them for getting it right for once. You know, you really should have traveled more (like once) before you took over. Your ignorance of the world has not only made you look stupid, it has painted you into a corner you can't get out of.

Well, cheer up -- there IS good news. If you do go through with this war, more than likely it will be over soon because I'm guessing there aren't a lot of Iraqis willing to lay down their lives to protect Saddam Hussein. After you "win" the war, you will enjoy a huge bump in the popularity polls as everyone loves a winner -- and who doesn't like to see a good ass-whoopin' every now and then (especially when it 's some third world ass!). And just like with Afghanistan, we'll forget about what happens to a country after we bomb it 'cause that is just too complex! So try your best to ride this victory all the way to next year's election. Of course, that's still a long ways away, so we'll all get to have a good hardy-har-har while we watch the economy sink even further down the toilet!

But, hey, who knows -- maybe you'll find Osama a few days before the election! See, start thinking like THAT! Keep hope alive! Kill Iraqis -- they got our oil!!

Yours,

Michael Moore
www.michaelmoore.com

or Salmon Chanted "Evening"
or "...and he shall be called Emmanu-eel, which means 'Cod with us'"

You can blame me for the headline, and Tim for the alternative headlines, and for sending me the link to a story about a miraculous fish that was about to be made into a gefilte fish dish, when it started shouting in hebrew,

British newspaper The Observer, is the 'plaice' to read atrout the word of Cod.

St Patrick's Day is fast approaching, and Americans everywhere are gearing up to inform me that they're Irish.

Having lived with someone who's Irish - a real Irishwoman from Ireland, not an American who's Grandfather once drank a pint of Guinness - I'm well aware of all things Irish.

Heck, my own family are from Liverpool, in England, which is widely regarded as the "second capital of Ireland" due to its massive Irish population. One half of my family are from red-headed Catholic stock, so the chances are, I'm more Irish than most of these people who insist on letting me know (in a broad American accent) that they're "Oirish".

I'm also aware, as are most Britons and Irish people, that the people of our two nations do not hate each other, as most Americans seem to think.

When we first moved to the US, we soon got sick and tired of people acting all shocked, when they found out that we (an Englishman and an Irishwoman) successfully co-existed in the same house. It was never something we encountered in the UK, nor in Ireland. Only in America.

Why is this? Why are people so misinformed? Is it NorAid, spreading lies in order to drum up money for the IRA? Or is it, (just possibly) because so many of these people have never actually left the US, let alone visited either Britain or Ireland?

And so now, it's the Saturday before St. Patrick's Day, and people all over the US are wearing green, eating low-grade cakes and cookies that have been dyed green, and drinking green beer. All of them quite convinced that this is what happens on St. Patrick's Day in Ireland. It doesn't. I should know, I've actually been in Ireland on the day concerned.

The Irish also don't eat "Corned Beef and Cabbage". Shocking isn't it? What they actually eat - the nearest equivalent to it - is boiled bacon and cabbage (which I should add is delicious when done properly (with parsley sauce)).

The whole "corned beef" thing is probably an adaptation by the early Irish immigrants to the US, because corned beef was much cheaper than ham. So, it doesn't make it any less valid a traditional St. Patrick's Day meal, but you should know that people in Ireland won't be eating it.

So, what am I saying here?

I'm saying, go out, hit the pubs, have fun, but don't tell me you're Irish unless you can show me an Irish passport, don't assume that the British and the Irish don't get along (we do, and the Brits like a drink as much as the Irish), and don't... under any circumstances... ever... try to dye my Guinness green.

Dear Miles,

Clearly you did not check your mail in the early hours of this morning. I know this because if you had, you'd have read my earlier memo about the "Barking in the dead of night for no sodding reason whatsoever".

It's obvious that you didn't read the first memo, because of that fact that you recommenced your canine catawalling at 7 o'clock in the fucking a.m. - a mere 3.5 hours after I had finally got back to sleep after your last performance.

Until last night, your record had been fairly spotless. You're not a barky dog by reputation, and I hope that last night was just a blip on an otherwise unblemished record.

Incidentally, you have yet to make it clear, just what your motivation was for these two performances.

Memo To Miles

In future, please limit your nighttime barking to absolute emergencies, such as house fire, burglary, or intergalactic invasion fleets.

As much as I'm a night-owl, tonight was one night where I wanted to hit the hay early. You, however, chose to wander around the house at 2am, barking the odds, until I got back up to see just how many heavily-armed intruders you were battling.

Imagine my disappointment, when I discovered that you were doing it, just to remind me that I hadn't fed the cats. Even the cats themselves, who are sticklers for being fed on-time, weren't that bothered about skipping a meal.

As I write, fully awake once more, you, considering your work done, are now sprawled out on the sofa, snoring loudly. Thank you so much.

So, in future, if you sense feline malnutrition, you are fully authorised to dole out the dried cat food on my behalf. You are not, however, authorised to operate the tin opener, until you've been on the appropriate training course.

This afternoon's broadcast (1-3pm) went well, with no major cock-ups, unless you count me announcing that it was "two minutes past four", when in fact it was "four minutes past two".

Actually, I think it was my best solo show yet, but there's still scope for improvement. You can never over-plan those witty on-air ad-libs ;-)

My playlist (hastily converted from a Word document on the computer, so forgive the formatting) is here.

I'm doing the same show, next Wednesday. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

OK, so I decided to give Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn a second chance. What a mistake. The first episode sucked the big one. So far, the second edition, is shaping up to be an even more racist, sexist, sizeist, homophobic, xenophobic, unfunny wank-fest than the first one.

Colin himself, is turning out to be quite the little bigot. Just prior to the start of the show, he was wheeled out onto The Daily Show (for a second time) - to promote the show. If that isn't a sign of how badly this new tele-visual turd is doing in the ratings, I don't know what is.

In the course of one three-minute interview, he managed to let us know that supports the death penalty, and that he thinks, "black people have caused suffering for him, because of the way they look at people, and always blast 'their' rap music". Those remarks alone, ought to get his show cancelled - if there is any justice at Comedy Central.

Colin's actual show seems to consist of four (alleged) comedians, plus Colin, all claiming to be discussing issues of the day, whilst using their on-air time to demonstrate what a bunch of bigoted unfunny assholes they are.

I'm not going to dignify the show by going into detail about what was discussed, suffice to say that each and every discussion, degenerated into the participants being racially, or ethnically abusive to each other.

To make matters worse, they dish out all this bigoted abuse, with a "Aren't I being post-modern, and edgy" grin, on their asinine faces.

No, you are not being post-modern. You are not being ironic. You are just showing yourselves to be the bigoted homophobes you are. Get the fuck off my television.

In a fit of channel-hopping, I ended up watching part of the amusingly titled, "Playmate Of The Apes" - just about the funniest thing I've seen on TV in a while, if only for the character name, Dr Cornholius.`

Those of us who have our own websites often track our readership.

For example, right now, that tiny model zeppelin craft behind you, has a wireless netcam, feeding a live signal, straight back to DMfM Headquarters.

Made you look!

There's a bunch of information that I can see about people visiting DMfM, such as where they are geographically, what operating system they're using, which browser, and what colour socks they have on.

Black with a hint of leg hair.

I can also see if someone has come to my site from a search engine search, and what the search phrase they had used was. Sometimes these err on the strange.

Today alone, I have had visitors looking for the following:

1. "British Airways cabin crew pics"
2. "soggy mountain screensavers"
3. "Roller Disco" pictures from 1970's"
4. "buying taramasalata online"
5. "How to sneak a cat into the UK"

The Answer to No.5 is obvious: hide the cat in a vat of taramasalata, then blackmail a British Airways stewardess, using the compromising pictures you've found of her wearing a Roller Disco outfit, to take the taramasalata into the UK as part of the in-flight catering.

I haven't quite figured out where the "soggy mountain screensavers" fit in.

Tonight, I got a call from Carlos. He asked if I could do a couple of on-air shifts, presenting the early afternoon show, "Midday At The Oasis".

So, it would seem that I am ready for daytime. :)

If you feel the urge to listen to 's version of Mark Radcliffe, then tune in tomorrow (Wednesday 12th March) at 1pm MST (8pm GMT).

I'm also on again, next week, same time, same channel.

Later today, I'll be holding auditions for The Boy Lard role, although I just can't imagine too many Denver residents being able to say, "Fancy a brew?", "codfishbatteredballs", or "$%^& my hat! I didn't know that" quite like the Boy Lard.

Thanks to my friend Tim, for sending me the following interesting link, about the possible future of the phone service, and how much (as if you didn't know) the TelCo's have been shafting us up until now.

It's a long article, but well worth the read. It's here.

As you know, I except American English for what it is, a deliberate attempt to be different from America's former colonial masters. However, TV, particularly US television, really does seem to be on a non-stop mission to bastardise the English language.

I've already written about those God-awful phrases, "You gotta love that...", and "zesty", so I'll not got into that all over again.

I wish the continuity announcers would stop telling us that tonight's TV line-up includes, "an all-new episode of [program name]".

Hello? English language logic anyone?

An individual episode is either new, or old. Unless they start producing the occasional partially-new episode of Frasier, consisting of half an old episode and half a new one, don't waste my time and yours claiming it's "all-new". It's a bit like lying. You're either lying, or you're not. You can't be "more lying".

I think this is just lazy grammar. If they were talking about a number of episodes, they could be referred to as all-new, provided each and every one of them was new.

I also wish advertisers would stop telling me that, "that's a $60 value, for only $19.95".

If they're selling something for $19.95, then that is it's value. Don't insult my intelligence by trying to claim that you're saving me money. If it was really worth $60, then you'd be selling it for that, you lying weasels.

Any comedy described as 'zany' will almost certainly suck.

When Fox TV announcers use the phrase, "With a surprise ending, you just won't believe!", they are lying.

They're lying, because judging by Fox's usual standards of creativity, their so-called surprise will be about as predictable as the fat lass getting booted off of American Idol (which I'm happy to report I have never watched).

They're also lying, because we the viewers, know that we're watching Fox, and know that Fox will sink to any level of common denominator necessary, to appease its advertiser's lust for ratings.

So, no surprise then, that at the end of "Who Wants To Marry A Child Molester" or whatever they come up with next, it turns out that the man behind the mask is actually the caretaker of the fairground we met at the beginning

OK, I could go on, but I'm in danger of this turning into a rant about Reality TV (which I refuse to do because every man and his dog has already written about it).

Besides, it's very late, and I need to get some sleep. In fact, tonight I'm going to get some all-new sleep.

Whilst reading the BBC News website, I spotted a Colorado story:

Frustrated with his laptop crashing, George Doughty, 48, from Colorado, took a gun and shot the computer four times. He then hung it on his wall like a hunting trophy. He was arrested on suspicion of felony, reckless endangerment and prohibited use of weapons.

The full story is here on the BBC News website.

I might be West Country born and bred, but my family are from Liverpool. Both places have strong regional accents, which I can only assume have cancelled each other out, resulting in my "BBC Newsreader" accent.

Talking of Liverpool, I spotted the following story this morning:

Hearses in Liverpool have been getting stranded on speed bumps during funerals. The city council is going to lower the bumps, but it will be up to 15 years before they are all replaced. The full story is here.

When I started this site, I never intended for it to be political. I'm moderately confident it still isn't. However, as I write this, President George "Hail To The Theif" Bush Jnr is holding a press conference that's being broadcast on all terrestrial channels.

I have one thing I really need to say, loudly:

OK. Sorry. It needed saying.

Oh, and another thing... any questions that were remotely non-partisan, were not really answered.

Points put forward included:

"Didn't the US go into Vietnam with a view to regime change, thousands of US soldiers died, and the regime concerned is still there? Isn't that an awful lot like what you're proposing with Iraq?"

He totally avoided answering this.

I think that says a lot about what an utter weasel he is.

I watched Bill Maher's new show on HBO, for the first time last night. I was never a regular viewer of Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher, chiefly because I kept forgetting when it was on.

The new show, Real Time With Bill Maher, is a completely uncensored discussion and debate show, with no-holes barred.

Like I say, I'm only vaguely familiar with Mr Maher, but after last night's show, am now a confirmed fan. He doesn't beat around the bush. He says what he's thinking.

Bill: So even though the CIA says there's no connection proved between Al-Queda and Iraq, you still think we should go in and bomb the Iraqi's
Republican: Yes.
Bill: Even though they've never actually bombed us?
Republican: Yes.
Bill: Isn't that a bit like FDR turning around after the Japanese attacked us, and saying, "Right... Let's bomb the Spanish"?

And he doesn't take any crap from members of the public either. One guy stood up to ask the panel a question, and took so long to get to the point, that just before he did, Bill makes a buzzer sound, and says, "Your two minutes are up!", and, "I'm sorry, I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of that question.".

He and his panelists had been talking about American arrogance, why other nations hate the US, and how Americans know so little of other countries. He then takes a call:

Caller: Bill, this is the best country in the world.
Bill: How do you know this?
Caller: Well, because I live here.
Bill: I think you've just proved my point.

Panellist Ted Rall, then went on to talk about how only 7% of Americans own a passport, and only 10% of that 7% have ever actually left the US. Ted was just as sharp as Bill, and neither of them gave much ground to panelist (and Dubya-loving Murdock minion) Monica Crowley of Fox News.

Monica just trotted out the usual faux-patriotic Republican lines about Saddam and the Republican desire to monitor US citizens.. err.. I mean... protect US citizens (by snooping on their lives, denying anyone any privacy, and eroding the freedoms they claim to hold dear).

All in all it was some of the most riveting television I've ever seen in the US, with debate and discussion on Operation Distract The Public From How We've Fucked-Up The Economy, reality TV, and other such stuff, all topped off with a superbly acerbic song from Eric Idle, which was the national anthem for a fictional country, but clearly a poke at America.

Still, America needs more of this kind of TV. It also needs to learn to laugh at itself. And some of its population need to stop the "This is the best Goddamn country in the World" mantra. It isn't. Sorry America, but you're just one of several countries that are quite good. That is all. I could explain why, but I'll save it for another day.

After a week or so of icy cold and snowy weather, today Denver is in the mid 50's (Gas Mark 2 if you're in Europe).

It's 5.17pm, and the dogs and I are enjoying the patio, outside the front of Güzel . I'm also enjoying the latté, and the free wireless DSL service.

It's turning out to be a grade-A people-watching location, as the rich bitches, wealthier soccer moms, and other denizens of Creek, saunter by.

If I'm honest, I don't like Creek as much as I like Wash Park. Sure there's a much bigger selection of restaurants and pubs, but in terms of character, Creek is just too snooty for my liking.

I used to talk about the "Wash Park Uniform", and my propensity for wearing it. The Creek Uniform however, isn't something you'll ever see me in. From what I can gather, the CCU is an over-priced skirt-suit, with enough gold braid, and other paraphernalia, that only Nancy Reagan, or certain South American military dictators would look right wearing it.

The less ostentatious women of Creek tend to wear a toned-down version of this, usually.. heck always all black, with dyed blonde hair (it's never the real thing) and gold jewellery big enough to be called bling, if only they weren't so white.

Still, there are far worse parts of metro Denver to live in, like the 'burbs.

The suburbs of greater metro Denver aren't bad because they're crime-ridden or decaying. No, they're bad because they just suck the life-force out of you, until you're left only wanting a mini-van and 2.4 children, out of life. I lasted 18 months in the 'burbs, before fleeing to Wash Park.

Above all else, the facilities offered; either in the choice of housing, or the places to go out socially, lack any character. I know it's easy to say, "well new places can't have character", but that's simply not true.

A block and a half from where I'm now living, there's an Irish pub that's brand new,but has been imbued with a certain air of character, that makes it quite an enjoyable place to visit. So, it can be done.

The sun is going down now, and so is the temperature. It's early March in Colorado, and that's the snowiest month of the year. Once the sun goes down, the weather resumes it's wintery feel. If I didn't have the dogs with me, I'd be sat inside right now, but I can't leave them out here on their own.

Mind you, there's fewer and fewer people to watch, as the folks of Creek are done shopping, done visiting the myriad of health spas, beauty centers, and nail salons that seem to make up 65% of the commercial outlets in the neighbourhood.

Tomorrow, I think I'll hie me to Wash Park, and imbibe darn fine coffee from the WPCC. It's every bit as tasty, and the DSL is every bit as fast, but there's not a nail salon in sight.

I've implemented a change at DMfM.

From now on, when an entry is long, instead of the "MORE" link taking you to an archive page for the thing, the "Read more >>" link will expand the entry, on the same page. This saves you having to load a whole new page, and in the case of some browsers, having to reload the DMfM banner graphic.

When you're done reading, hit "Collapse", and the article springs back to its original display.

Some browsers may not support this feature. If they don't, you'll be automatically taken to the relevant archive page, as you have been up to now.

I'd like to say a BIG thanks to Tess for passing on the link to a site where you can get the relevant javascript, and installation instructions.

So, let's test that function shall we? Hit "Read more >>"

... and hey presto! You've got the rest of the article without having to load a new page.

OK, so you bloggers out there can get the code here along with instructions on how to install it into your template.

It's very straightforward.

Kudos to Aaron, for the amusing variable names, as well as some great javascript code!.

As I mentioned the other day, today I got to present the Saturday Breakfast Show.

I went to bed early, in the knowledge that my alarm clock would be going off at 4.05am, and there was no scope for hitting snooze and dozing back off to sleep.

There had been a Colorado Bloggers drink set to take place that night, but I decided it was best if I didn't go. I know what I'm like. If I got to a bar, especially one who's staff were prepared to pour me pints of Guinness, there's no way I'd have managed to pull myself away and return home at a sensible hour for getting up at 4am the next day.

I managed to sleep, but it seemed that I was destined to be woken up at regular intervals. If it wasn't Miles clumping in and out of my bedroom, it was people in the street outside, staggering back to their cars, to slam the doors, and drive home, half-drunk, praying not to get pulled over by the police.

Consequently, at 4am this morning, I felt like I hadn't slept. I crawled out into the world, and made a whole pot of coffee, which I decanted into a flask, for use during the show. It was the usual French Roast, made to industrial strength. Strong enough to knock out a horse.

It's surprising just how many people are driving around at 5.20am on a Saturday.

Overnight, the station is on "automatic pilot" - taking a feed from the Jazz Satellite Network, out of San Francisco, and interspersing it with KUVO station idents. I had to pick my moment in the proceedings in San Fran, and come in live, starting the breakfast show.

As the clock got near 6am, my friend Susan's voice cut in, to identify the Jazz Satellite Network on KUVO, catching me slightly off guard, and before I knew it, I was punching my mic on, and reading out the top-of-the-hour legal ID.

Because I'd been caught off guard, I was forced to read the whole thing out, on half a breath. I must have sounded a little strange, as I then gulped air, and introduced myself and the show, all the time sounding like I'd just been running to catch a bus.

After that, things settled down. The rest of the three hours of the show sailed slowly by, without any major screw-ups.

Amongst other things, I played Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong singing Gershwin's, "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off", in honour of certain other on-air talents, who like to point out my different pronunciation of certain words to the listening public, whenever I wander into the . Afterwards, I assured the listeners that there was, in fact, no such word as "Po-tar-to".